[ being julia ]

my reason for living

2010-10-29T11:28:00.006+08:00

we grow into this world trying hard to find the meaning of life. while some live in much peace and harmony, some dont even get the opportunity to carve a smile on their face. it is the balance of the universe that i may never be able to understand.

what brings peace into our lives? what brings joy? i only know and ive always known that it is the beauty of love.

i learned throughout my entire journey in life, that i must love. that is my reason for living. we all come into this world for a reason.

have you found your reason for living?

i have and i consider myself very lucky.

when you find your reason for living, your entire world will start to make sense. you will realize, why things fall into places and why they dont, why some things work, and why some dont, you will learn not to blame and not to find faults... you will know that everything happens for a reason, and that is the reason behind every fall or step you make....

when you love, you create a relationship. a relationship with yourself, a relationship with the people around you and all that surrounds you..

and... i learned..

when your relationship works, your life works - sharmini hensen

thank you for this love, for i am truly blessed.

A life lived in love will never be dull- Leo Buscaglia

taking love to greater heights

2010-07-29T16:37:00.013+08:00

i received good news from a very good friend of mine today. news as good as this makes me want to blog all about it. a few months back, my friend made some very serious decisions about her life. when we make such serious and important decisions, usually it is because we want to achieve something more, something greater , something that will in the end, make us feel all happy inside.

i was happy for her, for she had found her soul's desire. so even if it meant that she would be 9000 miles away from me, even if it meant that i needed to take a flight of 20 hours just to be with her, i would still be happy for her...after all, i believe that she deserved such happiness.

today i gave her a call to find out when she's leaving.. guess what.. she's not.. i will leave it to her to tell you what her plans are, for im sure she will very soon. my very first question was..." oh, but are you happy ? " she said, "actually.... yes"... i couldnt imagine how she could be happy. i would think that if you didnt get things your way, you would feel slightly disappointed...

i would..
and then she explained.... and i realized something...

my story is about what i learned from my lovely friend.

i learned that you can choose to be happy and that happiness does not solely come from following your own desires.

i learned that even if you truly badly want something, you can control your body mind and soul to also not want it anymore
i learned that with a big heart, you will love not only yourself but much more of others who matters most to you

i learned that life greatest opportunities come in different sizes, packages, colours...

i learned that it is not always about what we want.

we live in a big world, surrounded by people we love and love us back..

sometimes we have to not take what we get, but give what we can....

sometimes we need to be open to ideas and new inventions...

but this is all more easier said than done...

i only know its possible because of my friend ninie a hmad who believes that 'impossible is nothing'

and with a heart that loves ... she really can :)

she goes on and on most times telling the world about this heart of mine. the one that loves hard and much...

all i know is that birds of a feather do flock together and that it takes one to know one (.. and i mean this in a good way ;) ).

may the path you have chosen leads you to the happiness you seek, and the wonders of joy that shakes the earth under your feet.

much heart and love from me.

who do you want standing next to you when all your dreams come true
and that pain you feel... that's life
the confusion and fear
that's there to remind you that somewhere out there
there's something better and that something is worth fighting for
[one tree hill]

Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it any other way.
-Yogi Desa

photos courtesy of http://ninieahmad.com

i have dreamed

2010-07-26T14:52:00.008+08:00

i was wondering when i would ever have time to write again. for months i have been filled with ideas yet when the moment came , i've been lost for words. so today i decided that it's going to be the day... the day when i will share once again.

i am not trying to gloat neither am i trying to boast, but my life has somewhat become an endless dream. i asked myself many times , how did it ever come to this. it all began with one little step... and that little step was to dream.

to become an actress was a dream i had when i was a child , i never knew that it would ever come true. i worked hard to believe that 'all the world's a stage '.. and while i was at it, i enjoyed every exit and entrance that i had made ..

and one day on my very own fairy like stage, came a charming prince who decided to spend his life time loving me ...
we now live happily with two beautiful princesses in our very own love kingdom.... just like all those fairytales i believed in, my own little fairytale came true to life...

i cannot even begin to explain how happy i have been, and even with much happiness in my life i am only human to understand that with every laughing smile, i too have crying tears... and i learn only at my best when there is a balance of such in life..

for almost two years me and my husband traveled back and forth [ not always at the same time ], 6000 miles apart or even 10000 miles at times, having internet and the blackberry keeping us connected at most times. not forgetting how much we relied on the beautiful moon up above to shine down our love to each other. absence did make the heart grow fonder. despite the distance, our love continued to grow for each other as both of us in our deepest heart made wishes that soon we will be together

some of my friends wonder how i cope with a husband being so far away. id always come up with what i feel is romantic but actually sounds corny or cheesy to say to them... or sweet to most.

his heart is in mine and mine is in his, i carry him in my heart and he carries mine in him.

i kid you not. that is how i think, and that is how i feel for our love. some people will say im naive and i dont care about that. my heart has always made me believe that love and romance come together hand in hand.... maybe that's just what's true for me, and that has always made me very happy.. i have days where i fear of what would disappoint me, but hope takes me to high places, where dreamers often are seen...

my husband tells me, if you ever think of us and our love... just look up to the moon above...
now,you probably wonder what i'd do when the moon hides away...

i turn around and i see Luna.... our very own Luna :)

but that's just a small summary ....

in between our summer holidays we received a surprise...
but that's just another story to tell.

I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams.- Jonas Salk

in the silence i've been living, laughing and loving with all my heart

2010-03-09T10:40:00.008+08:00

my space has been silent yes im quite aware...

while i've decided to live my colourful fantasy silently without sharing it to the whole wide world..

whispers and shouts have been going on around..

or so that's what i've heard..

so as a few of those may have wonder what has been happening..

u'll soon find out more..

in time...

it's all due soon enough...

until then...

live a little, laugh a little and always let there be love :)

The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing - Oscar Wilde

the secret of the light that shines

2009-03-06T22:32:00.010+08:00

Sometimes people would say to me

you are so lucky

you are so happy

you are very positive

and then sometimes people would say to me

you are so romantic

your life is filled with colours

you are such a dreamer

and there would be some people who questions me as such

how do you get by life

how do you think the way you do

how do you keep yourself happy

and all these makes me wonder, am i really showing all of these examples...

i wasnt born with all these traits, but throughout my living years i have learned that this is who i want to be, and who i can be.

experience and knowledge will form a person's characteristics. what you go through in life makes a difference. in many ways i have been lucky. being lucky does not mean that i was always happy. living through sad days, and learning how to get through it makes you realize the real meaning of happiness. you treasure and you'll care for it more. we all have different experiences in life. some greater than others, and some, to the very worst. yes a bad past can affect the future, but there are choices to be made such that you have a bright future in your hands. what you do today, is the one that matters most, for it creates the energy passed on to tomorrow.

you can buy a degree these days i heard. but you cannot buy knowledge. you can earn your knowledge from all that surrounds you , and it helps most from what you read. i am grateful that my mom had taught me how to read from an early age. i was greatly influenced by the Peter and Jane Ladybird series. from which i learned how to read very fast.

my wild imagination filled with rainbows and colours and delicious ice creams were introduced by none other than Enid Blyton. she taught me the beauty of kindness, magic, fairies and the notion that dreams can come true to the good children. while the naughty ones would stay in bed feeling ill all day, the good ones would go on living their lives joyfully.

i stopped reading for a while, maybe a few years. i felt my soul drying out. i had nothing to live on. it was at that time, i picked up a book that changed my life. a book by Paulo Coelho. It has been known how he's transformed millions of lives, and im proud to be one of them. it is possible that love can brighten your pathway and that the magic of your soul can do wonders.

the list goes on and im proud to share some of the readings that has affected the way i see, live and breathe.

how to be lovely - the audrey hepburn way of life

rules of life

the yoga of love

rumi - the book of love

-------------------------

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living.

Bertrand Russell

what you want is what you get

2009-01-11T12:57:00.012+08:00

at the end of every year, we tend to look back in the past and wonder if we had made it a good year, count our blessings and begin to make plans for the new year ahead. from before i had always whined and complained that i didnt do enough.. that i could have done more. i counted sorrows instead of blessings. and even if i achieved at least half of my goals, i did not fully embrace my achievements and naturally find faults blaming my surroundings. until about a few years back, did i learn how to accept personal growth in a lighter mode.

year after year i would tell myself, that its okay, if it doesnt happen now, it will at some point in my life, if its meant to be, if its my destiny, it will come to me. in these years of my life, i lived my life. day after day, doing the things i loved most, spending time with the people i loved most, and that made me truly happy.

it is possible to fall into the trap of wanting so much in life, especially when we look at the people around us, when they have what we dont have, and they look happy. in a split second we think, that if we have the same, we'd be happy too. we get lost in that circle trying to achieve all of that, when in the first place, it might not even be what we really want.

what we really want lies in the deepest of our hearts. a few lucky people may recognize this easily and manage to live their lives to the fullest achieving their desires, but the ones that get lost in the circle of life, may struggle to find what they are looking for. for the struggling ones, trust me for i had crossed this path before, if you can clear your mind and your heart, be honest with yourself and accept you for who you are, you will find your answer.

at the beginning of year 2008, i had made a promise to myself, that in this year, i would remain positive at most times if not all, that i would complain less, and embrace the joy of life with a touch of spontaneity, filling it with much passion and love.

and what a year it had been for me.

for the first time, i look back in the past year, with a big smile on my face. that year, was my year. with much love and passion that surrounded me, i could not have asked for more.

so now, i tell myself, what's in for 2009?

me being me, i have my lists and plans...whether it becomes a reality, or merely a fantasy, we really just have to wait and see.

what i learned from the man in my life is that the unexpected joy that comes from what is not in the plan is the ingredient that will add spark and much delight to life. so i realize, that what you can achieve in a day is a reason to smile , and the smile that comes from within the happy soul, is the one that keeps me flying high.

For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

could this be love

2008-11-23T16:11:00.013+08:00

this is my second nephew taufiq aris 5 years old

a conversation we both had months ago that brings much light in my heart...

me : taufiq.. love tu ape.. [ what is love ]

taufiq : mm ... cinta...

me : cinta? cinta tu ape?

taufiq : cinta tu ... is like you and pelle

me : haha.. me and pelle ... what do you mean?

taufiq : like you and pelle [ lah ]

me : are you in love

taufiq : ( shyly ) yes

me : really?? with who?

taufiq : Lim Lit Zee

me : isn't she the girl at your old school.. tapi you kan dah lama tak jumpa dia [ but you've not seen her for so long..]

taufiq : takpe lah.. [ that's okay ]

me : hmmm.. so what do people do when they are in love?

taufiq : they get married

me : oooohh... and then?

taufiq : and then they have a baby [ lah ]

---------------------------------------------

this is my first nephew thaqif aris

i found out recently from a friend about the conversation she had with him.

thaqif : kakak L ... do you like Z

kakak L : yeah...

thaqif : Z .. do you like kakak L

Z : mm... yeah...

thaqif : do you love kakak L

Z : mmm... yes...

thaqif : kakak L.. if you love Z, then u must marry him. then you will be happy like aunty E. aunty E is so happy now with uncle Pelle .

how did i find out about this?

i received an sms from my friend earlier today, a wedding invitation and a thank you note to my nephew for his precious advice that i believe will probably make a great significance in her life.

i was wondering what could my 8 year old nephew say to kakak L

i was down to tears when i heard what my friend had to tell me...

to know that the greatest moments of my life touches the youngest of hearts. to know that the love i have flowing in my soul flows in the innoncence of young children. and to realize that it does make a difference to people, even if only to kakak L .... [ heartiest congratulations to kakak L )

kepada hanis zalikha [ saya ada gambar cool macam ni jugak dengan kawan baik saya )

there's much much more that i am willing to share, as i embark on this neverending journey and as much as i know it makes so much difference in my life, i truly hope it does to all around me .

life begins with love
so spread your wings and fly
guide your spirit safe and sheltered
a thousand dreams that we can still believe

[celine dion]

this love

2008-11-07T10:03:00.004+08:00

Juliana Ibrahim photographed by Anna Rina Rahim

Your love lifts my soul from the body to the sky
And you lift me up out of the two worlds
I want your sun to reach my raindrops
So your heat can raise my soul upward like a cloud..

RUMI

ditch the green eyed monster

2008-11-04T19:56:00.012+08:00

green eyed monster : a feeling of anger or unhappiness because somebody you like or love is showing interest in somebody else : jealousy:

It was my daddy who taught me how not to be jealous. Those endless conversations that started off with tears yet ended all fears.

Envy and jealousy can be a deadly sin, a powerful human obsession. In fact it destroys almost all possible relationships when it comes to life in the heart and soul. People who are envious and jealous of one another often never lead a happy life. They become miserable and can never be at peace.

When I was in my early twenties, the feeling of being insecure in this great big world would make me green with envy. I sometimes wished I could be more than I could be when threatened with anything that's better than me. Perhaps this is a slight exaggeration, for I never became angry but always feeling sorry for myself leaving me unsettled with a mountain of pity that i climbed with no one.

Since my life was revolved in finding my true love, at that time, i was often jealous in one area of my life. My relationships.

I remember asking my daddy once when i was very very young ( mind you i was not 16 but perhaps a sweet age of 20 )...

" Abah, Why do I get jealous? "

" Perhaps you are insecure. What makes you jealous? "

" When he looks at other women? Why does he do that? When they are more beautiful, and taller and more more more... "

" So what can you do? Close his eyes? It is a man's nature to look at beautiful women. If you dont like it, take a hankerchief and cover his eyes"

" But I want to be beautiful too!!! "

*end of conversation.

It takes a lot to be confident and secure of how we feel about ourselves. Many people feel jealous and envy for something they are not or cannot be. The truth is we are the way we are. And in relationships, we can never be another person for the person we love, we cannot make people love us, they either do or they dont. If they do , great, and if they dont , they dont. The most important thing we can do is learn to truly love ourselves.

When we start to compete and compare ourselves with another in an unhealthy manner, jealousy might arise but if we believe in the beauty that we each have and keep ourselves unique in everyway, we know that we are one of a kind, irreplaceable and therefore there is no need a reason to be jealous of anything.

This theory probably applies the same in any area of our lives be it in our jobs, our community, our friends.. I feel that It's okay to want to be better, but not when the intention comes from jealousy and you want to be better than another. Worse, if you dont even bother to be better but all you do is try to make another fall, and it most jealous cases this is what happens.

It took me a long time to truly learn and understand the matter.

With the work that I do, I've known many people who fall in this trap. I've heard many stories of how people would stab each other's back just to be where they want to be. And probably not just in the entertainment world, even in the corporate world filled with professional rats. It would be easy for me to be jealous of anyone, but I've always reminded myself that I can never be another but only remain the way I am, improve on certain matters and maintain my authentic self and unique capabilities.

One fine day, I met a wonderful man, a truly wonderful, joyous and happy man . Together we started to share wonderful beautiful moments together despite a 7000 miles distance loving one another.

If i had not learned " HOW NOT TO BE JEALOUS ", if i had not gone through many enriching experiences in my life so i could stay confident and happy and truly learn to love myself, our relationship might not survive not matter how strong the love can be.

Nowadays, just to be sure, I ask my daddy again,

" Daddy, how come, I am not so jealous like before? I love him a lot, more than anyone can ever imagine but some how I am more peaceful, and calm and perhaps not too overly sensitive... but why? How come ? "

to which he replied,

" I think you've grown up "

(Juliana Ibrahim photographed by Anna Rina Rahim)

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. " - Jennifer James

i found my wonderland

2008-10-21T10:17:00.020+08:00

I didnt feel so nice that i've been away too long with no updates whatsoever. From my previous writings i often tell stories of my hopes and dreams and how i plan to acheive it, with all the love in my heart. And for the longest time, my highest dreams finally came true. What happens next when dreams come true.. what happens next when you start living your dream..

Now i sit in my self created wonderland thinking of what to do, say, write and tell. Well to begin with, ive been away not only in my blogsphere world, but also away from the hustle bustle of citylife here in Kuala Lumpur. I flew off on a 12 hour flight to 'the wonderland' where my life was surrounded with new people and new experiences.

In Amsterdam, I found my wonderland :)

with the children i played

with the family, i ate

from bitterballen,

to pancakes and delicious ijsje (ice-cream)

ijs and ijs and more ijs

despite the cool weather where summer was just coming to an end... i stil managed to have fun in the sun.

watching him play his favourite game, scoring his favourite goals.

i am his no 1 fan. and he is mine :)

its a different feeling altogether when you're in a different country especially where people speak a different language. but the one language we all speak the same, is the language of love, where you speak straight from the heart. communication is never a problem, almost everyone speaks English all over the world, but even when they dont, human has often always been able to communicate no matter what. with laughter and smiles, and tears that come from fears, we are able to understand each other for as long as we listen with our ears as we reach out to each other's heart.

now im back , living my life and my dream still, but that's another story to tell. its always nice to be away, to learn new things and make new friends and be with the people you've just learned to love, but its also nice to be back from where you came from.

my wonderland is just a 12 hour flight away, and i look forward to it again :)

In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridge - Hans Nouwens

living the dance

2008-08-12T14:05:00.007+08:00

i do admit that i am an ardent fan of self help books and anything motivational or even inspiring. that includes Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture, of which i had fallen into tears as I reached the end. not so much tears of sadness, but of being greatly inspired, and touched to the very depth of my heart. this entry however is not about Randy. It is about The Dance, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

a few years ago, i laid my eyes upon this book at our local bookstore MPH. Not knowing who she was, or what the book was about, I picked it up. It could have been the title that had ignite my interest, and so when i flipped through the pages I found myself a beautiful poem that probably were my soul's secret words. its what i've ever wanted and dreamed of, and carefully , it had been written by this powerful woman, who held workshops, inspiring people in achieving their dreams. not only that, oriah carefully shared her experiences through every excerpt of the poem.

so this poem , it is not my words, but its what i've been feeling . i lived with it, with such high hopes and sincere prayers that I will be able to in the end , live it. it is amazing how, our thoughts become what we can grasp and hold.

i later learned that the invitation had been written, prior to the dance.

the invitation has been accepted, and the call has been answered.. now, i am truly living the dance.

photo courtesy of Matthew

The Dance

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiralling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle
not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life - J. Krishnamurti, Indian Philosopher

looking at the brighter side

2008-08-04T14:16:00.009+08:00

i was once told by a girl that my blog isnt real. i asked her what she meant and she said, its the way you write. she told me that i make things look and sound so beautiful when actually they are not. this was probably about 2 or 3 years ago, when in reality, things were not so great and it was written in the blog itself. ( for those of you who've been following my blog this was the 'era' where i was just hanging on to hope and all good things in life ) however, i must agree that yes, i do make it all seem rather overly fantasized, but that's just simply my way and ive never given up on the way i write, because i do know that there are simply a handful of people who enjoy the way i feel about things :)

having said that, if you are new to my blog and may not have the time to read my past entries, you may have wondered if everything in here is really too good to be true. well it really is, but it took me quite the journey to be here , my heaven on earth.

to add 'reality' to my highly fantasized life, in the past one month, i have been admitted into the hospital , not once , but twice. the first ,for one week, due to appendicitis, and the second that followed about ten days later, a horrifying kidney infection. this was all physical pain that my body could not deny. yes i have heroic stories in here of how i withstand emotional pain, but physical pain is a real no - no.

so you see, i have my ups and downs, and even though i was there, in the hospital, feeling really sorry for myself and others (i had missed a dear friend's wedding and still feel terribly bad for this, i was also not able to take my parents in law out and about during their last few days in KL), i couldnt help being just slightly, mischieviously and delightfully happy, for i had some dear friends who came to visit me, bringing me all my favourite food, my mom, who slept with me every night , accompanying my chatters, my parents in law cheering me up , and of course my beloved husband who never failed to call and sms me every single day, sending love and spiritual strength, for he was at that time, thousands of miles away. so despite my miserable health conditions, i was inside a happy one.

we all have our nice days, good days , extremely amazing days, and at times we will not have the strength to walk, or to stop the tears from falling, even the occasional smile seems like the hardest thing to do, but as you always hear them saying, and my friend whose wedding i missed, often reminds me that, we must must must always count our blessings. in the end, it may be all that we need to keep on going, turning a smile, instead of that frown.

"There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other " Douglas H. Everet

in this moment..

2008-07-16T12:16:00.006+08:00

photo courtesy of marlia yaakub

finding happiness can happen overnight or it will take you years. that's just the way it is. we all have our phases in life. its like a rollercoaster for some , together with its ups and downs , or it could be a breeze yet it all depends on us. life. we make it, and we break it. i've learned that for everything that happens to us, we are the one to be responsible of it.

as a child i was always a happy one. why not, i had almost all that i wanted, everything did go my way. up til my late teens to early twenties life was super breezy, and then, i entered the real world. where i thought nothing was in my control anymore, that people were just out there to hurt me and break me. i learned to become selfish and fight for what i want. sometimes i get, sometimes i dont, and even when i do, i was never happy... well not quite.. i wondered why.

it took me many days, and months, and years to realize that in life, it is not always about what you want, about what you can get, but most often what you can give and what you can do. i learned how to be happy for myself, and for others too. sometimes, in order to see other people be happy, you have to let go , you have to sacrifice. you have to cry and weep, and hope that one day, your turn will come. because for now, it is not your turn... you may not understand, but you will one day... learn not to be selfish and accept that life sometimes doesnt offer you roses and wine all the time and you will find inner peace.

if you get hurt, one way or another, regardless the situation, be patient and strong, for one day, the rain will stop pouring, and the sun will start shining, the rainbow will appear and you'll feel the happiness in your heart, you know this is your time... the one you've been waiting for.

and if there are people out there, trying to hurt you and bring you down, fear not, for as long as you believe in yourself and your loved ones, there is not a thing to be teared apart. you are safe

hurt not another, for it never brings you peace of mind, pray for happiness, for yourself and for another, clean the heart, and the future will be bright of hopes and dreams.

it is not easy , i know, for i've been there before, but i did all that i can, and stayed as strong as i can be, and so here i am... where i wanna be.

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same - Anne Frank

a heart that writes

2008-07-03T14:08:00.007+08:00

for those of you who think you know me, you might believe im into fairytales. for those of you who really know me, you absolutely must know by now that i believe in the notion that dreams do come true.

on my birthday last year, my lovely friend presented me with a thoughtful gift. a precious white leather bound journal. in it she wrote, my lovely julie, happy birthday may your greatest dreams and your wildest fantasy come true. heart, ninie.

you may wonder what is special about this journal. ninie reminded me to write in this journal all of my wishes, my dreams anything and everything.

since i was a child, i loved having journals and i would write all my silly romantic hopes my wildest dreams and imagination only to find out in months, or the next year, that all of my hopes and dreams came crashing down. page by page i would tear, journal by journal, year after year, all trashed into the bin...

now, this journal given by ninie to me, was just too precious to be treated that way. so it stayed on my table, untouched, for fear that one day perhaps it too will end up in the least desired place.. another trash can. when i mentioned this to ninie, she said, oh no..... but you have to write, you have to keep on believing, after all these years, you cannot give up now.

so on new year's day 2008 with the help of my dearest husband, ( then, sweet love ) we filled up the pages of this beautiful journal. i wrote my plans and dreams, hopes and beliefs. in my heart there was a tiny fear, oh dear what if it doesnt work. as if hearing my thoughts, he said, ' u never know what could come up, maybe something you didnt even plan and when you look back next year, you'll see how far you've gone '

so yes, in my thoughts i have many hopes and dreams, when i sleep at night i dream of the impossible dream. but together with this journal, i make believe that i have all that i have, until i really do have it all.

sometimes the mind and the heart gets busy with life. for sure we want to do many things , and we do it all each day, for a dreamer who just sits and dreams will stay just a dreamer, but a dreamer who makes his dreams come true, is more than just a dreamer, in fact id call him a winner :)

and for me, i have an extra tool to help me. my white leather bound journal. regardless any busy schedule, i try to find time to write. sometimes even a line or two.

during a roadshow by KOTEX for young women that i helped facilitate, i reminded the girls to write.. in the morning, at night, anytime, for we learn so much about ourself from our writing. in 2 weeks or in 2 years when we read what we write, we'll either laugh or cry at ourselves and see how we've actually lived our lives and how can we make it better or how have we made it worse!

since it works for me, i thought id share it with you my lovely readers, an old fashion method that might go obselete in time to come.

"The supreme object of life is to live. Few people live. It is true life only to realize one's own perfection, to make one's every dream a reality. " Oscar Wilde

behind every beautiful bride is......

2008-06-18T18:12:00.009+08:00

a man who loves her.

photo courtesy of Tom Hayton

The vows I take will be forever
I'll love you all my life.
There's no part way, no holding back
Once we are man and wife.

The choice is made, and now I swim
In a far different sea,
The shores of which are bright green hills
Raised up for you and me.

Our love is like a mountainside
Awash in lovely flowers:
It is our home, our solid rock,
Where all bright things are ours.

And though of need we often must
Spend our days apart,
Our love will always be with us,
Held within the heart.

Nicholas Gordon

and if you ask me why marriage? i couldnt find a better poem than this to express and share with you what i feel...

Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person,
With all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...

Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me,
Who won't hold them against me,
Who loves me when I'm unlikable,
Who sees the small child in me, and
Who looks for the divine potential of me...

Because I need to cuddle in the warmth of the night
With someone who thanks God for me,
With someone I feel blessed to hold...

Because marriage means opportunity
To grow in love in friendship...

Because marriage is a discipline
To be added to a list of achievements...

Because marriages do not fail, people fail
When they enter into marriage
Expecting another to make them whole...

Because, knowing this,
I promise myself to take full responsibility
For my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness
I create me, I take half of the responsibility for my marriage
Together we create our marriage...

Because of this understanding
The possibilities are limitless.

Mari Nichols-Haining

my mama

2008-05-10T12:24:00.006+08:00

i was having dinner with my father across my primary school last night. mummy was not around as she was recovering from an operation in the hospital i looked to my right and saw myself about 20 years ago, running with my school uniform rushing to buy junk food from the lady at the bus stop. i saw myself running and jumping and climbing at the school playground. yes i was an active child, i was never really scared about things, but i remember my mom telling me to stop running so i wouldnt fall down. sit at one corner with your friends while you wait for me, someone might take you away. dont stand on the swing, sit down, you'll break your neck. as a child it doesnt really cross your mind that these things would happen, and if they did, would it really matter? of course it matters but as a child, we never really care. but mummy did.

i listened to my mom but i also let it go from left ear to right ear.. and more of the things i should and should not do as i was growing up. it was her way to ensure that i would not get hurt, that i would not feel pain, and that i would always be okay. apparently getting hurt and feeling pain is not nice and we must not let ourselves into such situations. then i started to get scared of many things. fear was just always in the way. but mummy was always there to say that things will be okay.

so fear never stopped me from doing many things. most times i would hurt myself, most times it would be painful. i couldnt take the pain, but mummy would always be there to wipe my tears kiss my wounds and give me a big hug.

nowadays i look at myself. i feel like i've been through a lot. i have cried for many reasons, and i feel certain challenges have just been too great. having said that, i do feel that my life is far better of than most people, and that tells me enough that i cannot complain at all about how difficult some things really are.

in adversity i strife. yes i still get scared. and when im alone in my room, i still cry. the only difference is that im no longer that 8 year old. i still have my mom but most importantly, i have learned how to tell myself that things will be okay. i wipe my own tears, and i kiss my own wounds.

my mom will turn 62 in June yet she is still young at heart. yes she can be fussy about things, and yes she may be overly sensitive but on the brighter side, she is kind, generous, and probably has the biggest heart in the world. a loving wife, mother and grandmother.

from my mother's teachings, greatest support and forever love, i have learned to become a grown woman and hope to be just as great as she is.
i love you mummy!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. ~Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895

gelukkig nieuwjaar

2008-01-13T22:17:00.000+08:00

I was really happy that the new year was celebrated with much light and love by my side. I found myself rather fortunate to have had a great start to the new year. However, I am the kind of person who treats each day as if it is a celebration. The reason is life itself. Yes you need a reason to celebrate before u can have a celebration. But if you did something each day to be proud of, doesnt matter big or small, then you have a reason to celebrate. I like to do that. Because it makes me happy. Some people think that happiness is overated because people sometimes work too hard to be happy. I know I sometimes do. I try... and I try a lot. I've been accused of being such a happy bunny as it seems rather surreal that one could be that happy. We all have different theories to be happy and we all have our ways. And we do what's best for us.

I always feel that love makes the heart happy. Love is shared and felt through different ways. The best love is the one that comes from loving ourselves. When we love ourselves enough, then only can we afford to love another and let the other into our lives. Then only can we love selflessly.

paulo coelho wrote about love..

' free and untrammelled guiding us with its force and driving us on '

love our body , love our soul and love our life...

find out what you love, feed it with love...feed everything we do in life with what it needs so it will constantly live and survive. Be it your career, your family, your relationships, your personal well being, inject a bit of love....

this is what i try... because i learn that with love... it never fails.

this is an interesting article.. which never fails to inspire me.
Commencement Address by Steve Jobs

i wish everyone a happy new year. may it be filled with all that your hearts truly desire....

Oliebollen- a Dutch delicacy that you can find during the New Year period in Holland. It is a ball shaped dough that's covered with sugar icing that's really nice when eate hot on a cold winter's day. Careful not to get icing up your 'neus' as you might just go aaaahhhh-choooo!!! Wash it down with a nice hot latte or a glass of sparkling champagne... sweet luurrrveeeelly yuummy!!

Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right - Oprah Winfrey

i forgive

2007-12-11T00:01:00.001+08:00

This was a book i noticed when i was book shopping early this year. Months later,my sister in law reccomended the book to me, and seeing that i didnt have the paperback, it was given to me as a birthday present. I did not rush to read the first few pages. Something held me back. A few days later i picked up the book and started to read. I lost concentration during the first 5 minutes. I put it back and it lay on my table, on my bed, in my bag. Just about everywhere but in my hands.

Recently, after a conversation with her, she asked me " so have you finished reading the book? " ashamed and embarrased i said, "no". " why not? its so sad, i finished it in 2 days!! "

there was a prick in my heart. was it the fact that i had not been reading the book in the past 3 months or was it because she said it was sad?

i went back home, rushed for the book and started reading.

the kite runner is very descriptive in terms of story telling in a very honest kind of way. brutal honesty i would say. i can be a very impatient reader, which is why i lost my concentration , i gave up on the story... why? too descriptive? or perhaps at that particular time, i did not want to face with reality. reality meaning that sometimes not all things can be all that happy.

i will not tell u the story of the kite runner because u can google it anywhere and read it elsewhere. what i will tell u is what i learned from reading the kite runner. i learn how people sacrifice their lives for the ones they love. I learn how it feels to not have a choice. i see how horrible things are on the other side of the world, where buildings turn to dust and people die on streets. housseini brilliantly tells this story in a way i have never imagined it to be. crying to its very last word, i realize how important it is to forgive. something i learned how to a long time ago, but have forgetten how important it can be.

the word forgiveness seems really big. to forgive and forget, to forget but never forgive, or to forgive but never forget. we must have pondered upon these words at least once in our lives. and to some people , more than once.

people make mistakes, we makes mistakes. sometimes we hurt people, sometimes we get hurt. how often does this process get in the way of us moving forward in our lives.

we sometimes say these phrases out loud..

" i cannot forget what you/he/she/they did to me "

" i will never forgive you/him/her/them "

unless we've had permanent brain damage, or perhaps a serious case of amnesia, it is usually hard to forget...

but in our most strong yet fragile heart of ours, we can find it in our soul to forgive,

the ones who might have hurt us in any way, for it allows the anger to rest in peace so we can move on to a brighter day

sometimes in our hearts, when we lay ourselves to sleep at night we say to ourselves

" will he/she/they forgive me for that i have done? "

but did we ever question this?

" i cannot forgive myself for what i have done ", or " can i forgive myself for what i have done? "

it is when we have a question like this, that we sometimes lie sleepless at night, or that we try so hard in life, to make things right , we push ourselves to the limit, either blaming ourselves or proving it the world that we are okay yet we are never really okay.

it may not be the easiest thing to do, but i've learned, forgiving in its own, is the most humane thing a soul can do, to one's own self, and to another.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong -Mahatma Gandhi

untitled

2007-11-14T13:01:00.000+08:00

being the restless soul that i am, i enjoy travelling.

I went to Greece recently. Greece is considered a sacred site. Its one of those places where you can go to connect with nature and create a sense of mystery and intimacy with Mother Earth. I stayed in Athens for a week and visited a beautiful island Hydra lying in the archipelago called Argo Saronic. It is situated between the islands of Poros and Spetses. A real true village. You see no motorized vehicles as there are no roads but only donkey pathways. Its filled with old mansions and stone paved roads. The air is fresh and clean and everything looks crisp and white. Big blue sea and big blue sky surrounds you when you're on this amazing island.

We covered Hydra on foot, walking up and down the hills, back and forth finding our way, anticipating our journey and what we'd experience. After a long walk, a dip in the big blue sea was a chilling, freezing moment! The cold water of the beach in Hydra is the saltiest I have ever tasted in my life, so tasty it burned my dry chapped skin once I got on land. Used to the warm temperature of our Malaysian seawater, I only stayed a mere 10 minutes in that cold blue sea. And unlike the soft sand that interferes in my tiny toes most of the time, here, I tread on stones and pebbles as I make my way to land. Most of the beaches on Hydra are mostly places with flat stones and pebbled bays with clean water.

I have never walked as much in my whole entire life as I probably did during my trip to Greece. Although my heels and ankles and every other joint, muscle, bone in my body was hurting, I tried my very best to keep on going. This is the part where I tell you how I became really, tired and thirsty and drained of energy. This is the part where no one writes about because its not the nice part. but for me, this was the experience. Because somehow, after all that walking, Id reach a place, I thought Id never see.

When I think I cant climb a mountain or a hill because its just too high up and im not wearing the right shoes or the right attire and I find myself finally up on the hill experiencing the breathtaking view of a beautiful city, I amaze myself and fall in love with my soul knowing I had done what I think I would or could not do.

When I think I cant go on anymore because it hurts, or because it gets too tiring, too painful, too boring, too depressing, too faraway, when i think that some things in life are just not within my reach , and then I find myself where I want to be or where I didnt know I could be experiencing the happiest moments in my life, I thank my soul for not giving up and feel grateful I've been blessed with such strength.

Sometimes we feel we have our limits and that we cannot go on anymore. Through trainings, readings, and life experiences, I realized that we can be stronger than we think we are, that we can do more than what we've already done, that the truth is we are able to stretch more and more and more and not break and even if we do break, we are quite capable to put the pieces back together because we actually have more power than we think we do.

Only sometimes, we cannot do this all alone. you will meet people in your life, who will share your journey, who will make you feel like you are more than you could ever be. they will become your bestfriends, your family, the most important people in your life. And if you're lucky, you will find that one person who is all of the above, who completes you. Who makes you see things u cannot see, be what you cannot be, and grow more and more each day beautifully.

I am lucky.

Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before - Eric Fromm

in my garden

2007-10-29T23:52:00.000+08:00

there's this special place i go to. whenever, wherever.

its like a garden. where there's flowers and trees. where the sun shines bright. where everything is just full of light. why do i go here. it makes me happy. it makes me want to smile. how do i go there?

i just close my eyes.

now is the time i tell you why it makes me smile.

there is something about nature that we maybe never be able to understand. that some of us may never be able to understand. i never did realize this, maybe i did, but not this way. when im with nature, when im surrounded by trees, flowers, mountains, hills, the big blue sea, the coconut tree, just about anything not man made that i see... i realize one thing.. they are living... well of course occasionally you might see a dying rose, or perhaps trees with no leaves, but that's just a cycle. when they live, they live, they simply live. you see them breathing, and living, with one purpose, to continue living. not being able to think like humans do, they can only surrender to what humans would like to do to them, for them.
we can turn a forest into a national park, or you can cut down the trees and make paper. both are equally important, but do they have a choice to choose? no, we choose.

we can have a beautiful beach, left untouched, or we can turn it into a polluted construction site and have a beautiful 5 star resort within years. its nice to have both. but can the sea decide its fate? no, we decide for them.

what do they do, they surrender, for it is their fate.

they leave it in our hands to decide what's best for them. because why, because they cannot think.

but we can think...

we, can choose to leave it all in God's hand and see if He decides wether its best for us .In time, out of those millions of people out there sooner or later we'll find out if we're gonna get what's best for us... chances are if we sit and wait... we might not get what's best, for sometimes, we only get one chance.

or since we can think,

we, can choose, to leave it in our own two hands, taking action for each and every dream, trying our very best, going 100 % not wasting anytime, shine and keep on shining, using our given intelligence, and the passion in our hearts, to make everything the best... all of this... and live simply.

what a contradiction you may think. it really is, but as i pursue my dreams, my life and most importantly my love, i find it important to also live simply, to surrender [ which is not easy if i may say so ] and let go of all expectations [ even though i might end up getting hurt ], so that at times i will be surprised by the beauty of what ever it may be that's our there just waiting for me.

now how do i live simply again?

i go to my garden... and breathe.

To live content with small means;
to seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
to be worthy, not respectable,
and wealthy, not, rich;
to listen to stars and birds,
babes and sages, with open heart;
to study hard; to think quietly,
act frankly, talk gently,
await occasions, hurry never;
in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious,
grow up through the common--this is my symphony."
-- William Henry Channing (1810-1884)

what we've been waiting for

2007-10-23T22:24:00.000+08:00

home is where the heart is

2007-06-02T11:13:00.000+08:00

When we go away for too long, we get a slight uncomfortable feeling of coming back. i think.. but sometimes its just a feeling. The truth is that if the place we're headed is home.. we're always welcomed. no matter what.

and where is home ?

I read a book once, where the heart is by billie letts. And where is the heart? .. its everywhere ... everywhere and anywhere you want it to be.

My heart is my compass in life. It took me sometime to find my heart, to really locate where it is and how i am able to make use of it... to the fullest. Finally when i did, i realized it was more than just an organ pumping blood.

Nowadays, when times are good or bad, i take a moment, in deep silence and i close my eyes.. and i listen... i listen hard to that sound, that sound somewhere deep inside... its a voice that i hear. i can vaguely make out the words... but i know for a fact that its somewhat a calling... giving me directions , not necessarily right or wrong, but it leads me to the path .. a path where i want to be... because only the heart knows my deepest desires.

In this world filled with much challenges, faced with much fears, some form of strength is needed to sustain the joyness of life. Without joy, life can be meaningless. And so, sometimes, even the strongest of hearts, can momentarily fail. In times like this, it was important that i learned how to reach out and gladly receive the warm support of family, friends and loved ones.

Which is why one need not feel alone in this big big world. It is in the giving that we truly live, but i recently learned, in being able to receive graciously, one can continuously live joyfully for as you sow, so shall you reap.

So if you get lost and you cant find your way home... close your eyes and listen hard. the light will shine its way, and even with your eyes closed... soon you'll be on your way home..

joy is a net of love that capture souls [mother teresa]

the path of love

2007-04-22T23:33:00.000+08:00

Knowledge is food to our brain. Love nourishes the soul. Without love, it can be quite unsatisfying. Well, I seem to think so.

Is it easy to love? Yes i think so.. Is it easy to sustain love.. Well that's the challenge. But a rather satisfying one that would make any journey in life a valuable one.

With hope and faith, it seems to ease the pain. But is it pain that we're looking for? A kind of suffering that gets us addicted to love, more and more each day. Then again.. is it really called pain? That sharp throbbing feeling deep in your heart that makes it pound harder day by day and that sick feeling in your stomach that never seems to go away. Sounds like excitement more to me.. and here I notice how we label our feelings according to what we experience in our body, heart and soul.

Positivity vs negativity... obviously we each know what's best.

When being positive, one can gain so much yet one can also lose... there is a choice, there is an option... but when it comes to being negative, one just loses out. We take a risk when we remain positive... we take a chance.

That chance may just turn our whole life upside down, bring us rainbows all year long, shine our darkest nights forever and nourish our soul for eternity.

Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking, Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making [ Lee Ann Womack ]

long overdue

2007-04-21T21:47:00.000+08:00

For those of you who might have missed the first three episodes of So You Think You Can Dance, worry not as you are able to catch it on you tube. The experience of hosting this show has been amazing. Yes it is another reality tv show and for the first time, I see it all.. not just what's on screen. Being someone who empathizes a bit too much at times, it was hard to see those who did not make it... and it was of course more than too much joy to see the ones who had actually worked hard to make it to the TOP 20.

What makes me so happy to be part of the show is to be with the contestants from day one, seeing them progress throughout the weeks. From the corner of the room where I get my make up done , I see them practicing endlessly... over and over again, together they unite, together they support each other and together they just dance. Its as if it wasnt really a competition but mainly a performance that they were all in, as a team they worked with much joy and glory for their passion in the world of dance.

From over 500 people who came for the auditions, only 20 will make it to the Live Shows. These 20 people have a story to tell. It is their story and this is their journey.This is a reality tv show and down the road, weeks from now, the reality is that there will only be one winner. However, despite all of that, the most important and valuable thing throughout the competition, winner or no winner, would have been the experience of the journey itself. As no two people would have the same experience. It will be the experience they create for themselves that would make the ride worthwhile and mould them into the person they will be years from now.

And how do I know this? Because this is true for me... I did not win the competition, but I played to win. That I felt mattered most to me.

Our whole life can be one whole big competition. You can choose to see it in many difference ways, like a soccer game, the point is to score a goal. No one in the right mind would play soccer and just run around the field kicking a ball NOT to score a goal.. everybody plays to score a goal.

The best thing in the game of life, everyone can be a winner , if you choose to be one :)

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength. [arnold schwarzenegger]

Shall We Dance

2007-04-05T09:27:00.000+08:00

Too many things happening, too many to tell.. and i will. but for now.....

Do catch the Malaysian premiere of So You Think You Can Dance ....

Thursday, 5th April, 9.30 pm....

exclusive on 8tv.

inspiring inspirations

2007-03-05T21:08:00.000+08:00

in life, people will inspire us. in life, we will inspire people. and its a circle that goes round and round round. the ones that make us think outside the box, in the box, who will make us almost believe that a box is not square unless we really want it to be square. you only have to learn how to recognize this important relationship and the world will definitely seem much brighter, the stars are reachable and that the moon is yours to keep.

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

my late valentine

2007-02-21T00:19:00.000+08:00

juliana not having a valentine's entry. now even i find that hard to believe. due to certain circumstances it had to be that way. though i dont celebrate valentines day as it is.. just like and other loving [single] woman, i make it a point to actually do celebrate the day as lovers day. and what does a loving [single] woman do without a lover? she decides that her 2 loving [not single] friends go out and celebrate. and there i was... out on lovers day with my loving friends all filled with love... full stop.

in life we do a lot of things. good and bad. in life... people do a lot of things.. good and bad.. in life we will get hurt. in life we will hurt people. its not intentional but it happens. yes life is not perfect , yet its imperfection makes it such a good way to live and learn making it rather perfect as perfect can be. how do we know when to stop, when to go on... or when to just let go.

we'll know. somehow we'll know. its hard to say how and when we'll know.. but we will someday. because there's this voice inside that tells us. and if u listen hard enough... u've realized that u might have not been listening all this while. and when u finally listen... u'll find the way. and u realize... wow... what have i been listening to all this while? :)

hoping that all you out there, valentines or no valentines, is filled with as much love and u would want it to be. and dont make it just a day... its lovers day... everyday.

with all my heart.

leaving on a jet plane

2007-02-02T13:34:00.000+08:00

im packing my bags and im leaving again. and im glad. i've been invited to co host a cooking programme in langkawi. and i love langkawi. i love my job. i love you :)

a fresh breath of air, the sand on my skin and the wind beneath my wings

i am now ready to fly

and there's no turning back

its now or never

i wont stop

i wll go on

coz from where i stand

my fate is in my hands.

where is the love

2007-01-27T18:39:00.000+08:00

every now and then, love would spread its wings and nicely land itself upon my nose. the sniff of a love blossomed makes my day. the only thing i question at times would be.. was that love? or was it something else. and every now and then, just like a butterfly, love would fly away.

what is love?

my then 4 years old nephew thaqif soon to turn 6 this year once shyly said to me.. love is when u look into the other persons eyes , and then u hold their hand, and then u kiss her and then u marry her and then u know u love her lah!!

wow.

my other 3 year old nephew taufiq would come over to the house every day looking for his girlfriend. his girlfriend who is 20 years and more... older than him.

i am your girlfriend?

yes...

why?

because i love you!

nadhirah from school.. i thought that's your girlfriend.

no!!! you're my girlfriend!

okay i love you too ... :)

Love is not a virtue. Love is a necessity; more so than bread and water; more so than light and air. Let no one pride himself on loving. But rather breathe in Love and breathe it out just as unconsciously and freely as you breathe in the air and breathe it out. For Love needs no one to exalt it. Love will exalt the heart that it finds worthy of itself. Seek no rewards for Love. Love is reward sufficient unto Love, as Hate is punishment sufficient unto Hate. Nor keep any accounts with Love. For Love accounts to no one but itself. Love neither lends nor borrows; Love neither buys nor sells; but when it gives, it gives its all; and when it takes, it takes its all. Its very taking is a giving. Its very giving is a taking. Therefore is it the same to-day, tomorrow and forevermore [mikhail naimy]

lady luck seems to be on my side

2007-01-19T23:52:00.000+08:00

According to the Islamic calendar, it is the 1st of Muharram. Which means, according to the Islamic calendar, it is the new year. It so happen today, I had the urge to write again. So what better way to do so, with a new year entry. A new year entry that has been long over due.

The beginning of 2007 was indeed a beautiful one for me. I was all smiles, filled with hope and gratitude of what the new year may bring. The beginning of almost everything is like that for me and I am huge on celebrations. Of course, I cant help but to celebrate the beginning of a dear friend's dream. I am indeed lucky, to have living proof that dreams can come true. And at every second of where i will sometimes lose my glimmer of hope, i am lucky enough to be constantly surrounded by people in my life who will remind me not to give up. There are times when i look for support and many a times, there will be those to lend a helping hand, those who just listens patiently, and those who will offer a shoulder to cry on. And every single time, i feel like the world might crumble to pieces, i am lucky enough to have eyes wide enough to see how the world have crumbled even more to pieces to some, with luck just not on their side. I am even more lucky and grateful to have you visiting my humble space every now and then, even though the updates have been a bit slow. So really, how can life, not be beautiful.

And so life begins, every day is another new day, just waiting to be discovered. I am learning how to let go many many things in my life. I am learning how to live each day as it is. I am learning to accept that there are things which may be beyond my control. I am learning that I can do only what i can do and believe that i can and make it as perfect as can be, and i will give it my all, and i will know that i have given my all and have made it as perfect as can be , if i can look in the mirror and honestly tell my self that i have given my all. I am learning a lot of things.

Lessons in my life will continue until i breathe my last breath. For now, I am happy to sit back and observe and also share, how beautiful life can be, the beauty of others and how beautiful their lives have been and will be. I am glad i have this chance to appreciate my view. I have a nice view. And I am indeed very lucky. From where I am, I see the sky is blue. I see rainbows and i see pot of golds of course, with tiny bits of stone :) They're not mine. They're just there... for us to share.

And it is there.... because.. you're there... so,

Thank you for sharing the beauty of life with me.

[The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship] Ralph Waldo Emersen

are u ready, get set... GO!!!

2006-12-23T09:54:00.000+08:00

who's got a dream? i know i do. ask our hearts, im sure there's an answer. perhaps many different ones. some are just screaming it's way through. and some, a tiny whisper. pay attention. for how long have we not listened to these answers. yet we continue this life along this winding road, searching for an answer, when all these while, the answers are just deep within. and for most of us, this is a known fact. we've learned, that in the end no matter how far we go, and no matter how high we search , how low we break down and cry, the answers are all inside our soul. we we born with it, and we gained more and more as we experienced life from many different points of view. its so deep inside that we sometimes forget.

and then when we forget. we get lost in the craziness of life. one where we live not the way we want to but the way we think we're supposed to or have to. at times, its not that we forget, its probably that we decided to keep it on the shelf, or in a box, a diary, or anywhere safe, just because, something else was more important, or perhaps we thought that its just a dream. a wishful thinking.

if you can dream it, you can do it. [walt disney]

either way, it matters mostly to us. because this life, for as long as we're on planet earth we own it. we take charge of it. because at any given time and place, it can be taken away from us. so lets live for today, as best as we can, as much as we want to. lets live our dreams, for as long as we want to, as the days passes by, we'll be an inch closer. maybe i believe, that it's our purpose in life. and we can do it. because of many many reasons and most importantly , because we can.

wishing all of you a happy brand new year with lots of love from me.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love [ marianne williamson]
used in nelson mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech

the arrow struck my heart that bleeds of love

2006-12-13T22:31:00.000+08:00

though i like to believe that i breathe, eat, live love everyday, its been awhile that i spoke of it. yes i would have to agree that i inject it into everything that happens in my life, but, the love , the *wikipedia definition of love, is something that i have put to aside just for a little while. and the more conscious i am of putting it aside, the more it comes staring in the face. reminding me , showing me signs that it has to exist. that it has to happen, and its what i sometimes miss.

everywhere i go, i see love. in the book store, at the coffee shop, near the bus stop or even as they're in the car. and its so beautiful. it comes in many different packages. little things i see them do gives a nice warm feeling in my heart. that nice little look he gives her. that gentle touch on the nose. as she pulls him close to her and gives him a kiss on the cheek and a giggle after the i love you. sometimes its just the silence between two people. the comfort of being with the other. my friend and her husband.. i'll call u back... we're at the play ground. that's just so cute. it comes in all shapes and sizes and all different age groups. even the lady at the rojak stall in penang, who spoke so highly of her husband and his rojak sauce and how she wanted me to take his picture instead of hers coz apparently she thinks he looks better than her. and though i told her how i thought she was pretty and very sweet.. she said no. and then i said.. what if i take a picture of you and your husband. she smiled and happily said okay :) and as u can see.. she's peeking so cutely from behind him. it showed me how much she respected him and just her holding on to him was simply what i think is very loving and romantic i mistook her for being in the late thirties when later she told me she was at least 10 years older. must be the love shining in her heart that shines so brightly you can see it in her eyes..

but its the kind of love that i have no words for. its the kind of love that i wont be able to describe.. its the kind of love that is not just a fairytale, it is their fairytale, and one day it will be a fairytale in my little heart.. a fairytale that will come true because i want it to..

*Love is a basic dimension of human experience that is variously conveyed as a sense of tender affection, an intense attraction, the foundation of intimacy and good interpersonal chemistry, willing self-sacrifice on behalf of another, and as an ineffable sense of affinity or connection to nature, other living beings, or even that which is unseen. It manifests itself in feelings, emotion, behavior, thoughts, perception and attitude. It influences, underlies and defines major patterns in interpersonal relationships and self-identification.

will it be what it will be?

2006-12-06T01:02:00.000+08:00

i've been told at times that i can be a baby. vulnerable . like a child. naive at times. their point of view. my point of view.. yes its true though that i have a different way of looking at things. i like to believe that the world is nice and sweet despite the fact that it does seem like its crumbling down. i like to believe that until proven guilty , one is innocent [okay im talking about normal day street people and not those behind bars]. i also like to believe that what will be will be.

it stresss me alot if i have to figure it out otherwise, if i have to be too careful wether or not someone is lying to me, or trying to hurt me, or having ulterior motives. im not saying that it doesnt cross my mind at all. it does.. its just when i believe it, its clearly a waste of my happy time.i make a choice to believe that if they do.. then they do. if they dont... wow.. id probably be having the time of my life.

the keyword here is trust. it is not easy to trust. especially if one has been hurt before. but i've learned that trust comes with trusting. and that it is the most important ingredient in any relationship. mother, father, child, lover , friends, workmates. there are no guarantees. but it saves us from a lot of negative energy that will definitely just bring us down. well thats what i feel and i truly believe in.

isnt it obvious that we sometimes dont trust.. because we dont want to get hurt. so what if being hurt is a choice that we can make? can we choose to be hurt and not trust again? can we choose to be hurt , then make another choice to move on, start over , and trust. yes there will be times when it can seem so cruel, but it cant be that the world is just so against us. can u imagine what things would be like.. if we trust. if we just trust. and if we dont.. can we be honest about it?

[ trust allows you to give. giving is abundant. trust allows the experience of bliss. bliss is awakefulness. trust allows you to laugh. laugh at the richness, the beauty and the playfulness of the universe. apply consciousness to this process and all roads will lead to home ] gary zukav

love cures

2006-12-03T10:14:00.000+08:00

an extra arm to lend a helping hand. my shoulder for you to cry on. my beating heart, to you i love, my smile to brighten up your day, my tears in which i'll share your sorrows. my pennies, for your thoughts. the little things we do in life, to support the ones we love, the ones we care about and the ones who needs it most. even the ones we often just let go.

support.

we even have a machine for that in hospitals... so that one can live for just a lil bit longer. when all else fails.

having said that.. it makes one not weak, if asked for support. in fact, it builds up strength. but then, sometimes, we dont ask for it. it seems as if we expect the people in our lives to always be there for us, never having to ask for what we know would make a difference.. maybe we didnt know.

for some time now, my father has been unwell.. not terribly ill . just age catching up. it doesnt make things any better that his youngest daughter worries him all the time she's not at home, be it at work or pleasure. even worse when the sun sets in the evening, and she's still not to be seen at times.

coming from his point of view.. he cares and he truly loves.. and i do believe him.. there were times when i wouldnt know what to to do.. i just knew that everytime something felt wrong.. id want to get him to the doctor, and for many many times he said.. no i dont have to go.. i just need to rest..

and for many many times.. i just left the room and let him rest.

but one night.. i tried to make a difference. it didnt seem that resting helped that much. so i slipped in next to him.. and we had a conversation which lead to some laughs and heartfelt moments. later , my mother joined in and together we shared even more. and on that night filled with love, my dad could then rest very well...

so every now and then i know.. he wants to feel good, he wants to feel loved.. maybe that's all he's ever wanted. and all this while i thought.. he needs to rest.. i should let him rest.

and perhaps this is what we all want.. that tiny bit of us.. just waiting to be loved.. and it is those and i know there are those...who gives selflessly that never asks to be loved... they just give and give.. and patiently wait.

i have had times in my life, faced with such challenges and in those critical moments.. it was a delight, to have had such familiar faces, warm loving hearts, who made it possible for me to go on. to climb another mountain, to sail across oceans.. to fly high in the sky...

[appreciation is the highest form of prayer, for it acknowledges the presence of good wherever you shine the light of your thankful thoughts. energy is more powerful than action. as you recognize that you already own the wholeness you seek, and no one outside you can give you more than you already are.stay open to recognize the hand of love when it reaches to bless you.] -unknown

a seed turned flower

2006-11-29T00:52:00.000+08:00

When will we realize that there is no good or bad. When will we truly understand that there is no right or wrong, when will our families accept the fact that we are who we are and we can be no other than who we already are.

How do we make them believe that we can go far. How do we deal with the insecurities that often pull us down. How do we look in the mirror and acknowledge all of who we are, have been and will be.

Why do they make it look so hard. Why does it seem that its quite easy actually. Why don’t we love as freely as we ought to be. Why would we rather build barriers and keep it going strong.

What if its not what it seems to be. What if its all in the mind. What if the heart is stronger. What if it can be done. What if its true, that if there is a will there is always a way.

And if there’s always a way.. lets choose to see it no other way.

some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.

some say love it is a hunger
an endless, aching need
isay love it is a flower,
and you it’s only seed.

it’s the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
it’s the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance

tt’s the one who won’t be taken,
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live.

and the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long.
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong.

just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snow
lies the seed that with the sun’s love,
in the spring, becomes a rose.

the rose[bette midler]

i am supergirl

2006-11-27T18:57:00.000+08:00

My results:
I am Supergirl

Supergirl		90%
Spider-Man		75%
Wonder Woman		75%
Green Lantern		70%
Iron Man		65%
Robin		55%
The Flash		55%
Catwoman		50%
Superman		50%
Hulk		45%
Batman		30%

Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

building bridges made of love

2006-11-26T21:13:00.000+08:00

i would whisper love so loudly
every heart could understand
that love and only love
can join the tribes of man
i would give my heart's desire
so that you might see
the first step is to realize
that it all begins with you and me

love can build a bridge
between your heart and mine
love can build a bridge
don't you think it's time?

a brand new christmas will be airing on tv2, 25 December 2006

like a diamond in a sky

2006-11-18T21:23:00.000+08:00

every now and then God gives us a reason to smile. on the face in the heart, it does not matter, that's not really the point. i dont believe that those without smiles plastered on their face have not in their heart. i used to think that if people weren't smiling they weren't really happy. not realizing that im one of those fools who just smiles.. despite whatever, i smile.. plastered.

until a dear friend one day said to me... my lovely julie.. that's what she said.. you're smiling.. but your eyes... they tell a different story.. i was stunned. no.. im fine.. i really am.. was i? maybe then.. not so..

so yeah, my trip down to jb, for the grand opening of kfc persada johor bahru. and the chance of mingling with kids, from the orphanage, shelter homes, those less fortunate, who just gleamed at the sight of chicky and friends.. and their favourite kak ju. maybe i just have a soft spot for kids. maybe its God telling me in another way, that whatever story i had.. other people have theirs too.

and in those few hours, laughter, giggles, hugs and kisses were shared. and the light in their eyes, i would not forget. it wasn't something i could replace for anything else in this world. another pair of shoe would bring a smile on my face.. , but the smile in my heart, carved by those girls and boys.. will i remember.. forever and ever.. and would last a lifetime.

one more day, one more time
one more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
but then again; I know what it would do
leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
one more day [lonestar]

dots that dont meet.

2006-11-16T13:14:00.000+08:00

yes a long time it has been. a month of ramadhan and a month of syawal... almost. quiet moments, fulfilled living moments, moments to cherish, moments.. perished..

so the new year is screaming its date. looking far ahead as to what it may look like. time will tell. looking back. not a moment to regret.

its a funny feeling, to have been in hiding from this space, and suddenly return. like an old friend, i've lost touch with... and suddenly to pick up that phone and make a call..

how do we turn an awkward situation or what we think of such situations, into a pleasant one not to be forgotten?

the ugly act of misconceptions is when our preconceived notions takes place above everything else that could possibly matter. thinking of the worst that could possibly happen when the truth of it all is that its possible to think of the best that could definitely happen.

no this is not an entry that means what it doesnt mean. it means exactly what it means.

just a mere feeling of being uncomfortable. at this point of time. and its best to get over with it.. so i can start again.

many thoughts passed by many times. putting it aside waiting for the right time didnt help. but. there is no right time, whatever time there is to do what we want to do is the time do it. waiting doesnt help. thinking about it doesnt help either.

its when we say what we say and do what we do that will turn it all around.

dont miss an episode of Shell Helix Refresh my Ride every sunday, 7.30 pm only on tv3

breathe

2006-10-17T13:46:00.000+08:00

be like the flowing river
silent in the night
be not afraid of the dark
if there are stars in the sky, reflect them back
if there are clouds in the sky
remember, clouds, like the river, are water
so gladly reflect them too
in your own tranquil depths

manuel bandeira

as usual i was rushing through my lines. i tend to speed through either my dialogues, or what ever host links that i have to do. and yes i realize i make no sense or even no connection what so ever when that happens. but i do it anyway unconsciously but consciously that im doing it like 5 secs after. and whenever ping says.. remember to pause for a while.. i just dont seem to really listen.. but until he said.. remember to pause for a bit.. you're very afraid of pauses.. dont be afraid, it got me thinking.

although he meant it literally reagarding my lines, i as usual had taken it as more than just feedback. its true u know.. im the kind that does everything fast paced. i talk fast, i breathe fast, i drive fast when i can , as much as my lil red mini car (no.. not THE MINI COOPER) can take, i eat quite fast too and in between all of that, i do what ever i can every second, every minute, every hour till i cant take more and just either fall asleep or fall in space. more of the latter of course.

and yes.. i can be afraid of pauses. empty space in time.

so when i had shed some tears again during the dead body pose in class today. i knew why. no, im not sad, neither am i unhappy. its only because that's the only time i ever get to really, totally relax, mind body and soul, a time where i can truly let go and surrender, to pause and breathe. 3 minutes of that just makes my day. its true you know.. not like some yoga crap u read on those ads... but of course.. u need to have a good instructor, and the one i have, is the best that one can have.

so im a bit weird.. and i cry.. sometimes :)

if I just breathe
let it fill the space between
i'll know everything is alright
breathe,
every little piece of me
you'll see
everything is alright
if I just breathe

breathe - michelle branch

bits and pieces of this and that, here and there

2006-10-07T11:56:00.000+08:00

God gives us chances. lots of chances. everytime one door closes. another opens. u lose some u win some. you fall down.. and then u get back on your feet ready to move on. u realize, that its no big deal after all. really is it? what if the door doesnt open anymore? what is someone threw out the key? and what if when u fall u really really fall.. and u cant get up? i read somewhere.. i think its one of those jars with little quotes folded in it, a gift from a friend, couple of years back.. it says.. always look out for the rainbow after the rainy day.. and i guess if you're lucky.. there might be a pot of gold waiting for you on the other side :)

The other side.. we like to think that the grass on the other side, is greener.. perhaps it is greener, but what if.. greener doesnt make it better?

thaqif .. my eldest nephew has a dance performance at a mall in shah alam today. he looks happy. smiling from ear to ear. and i think he's graduating from kindergarten today...wonder what they've taught him and if they've taught him well. im sure they did.

i've grown up believing that... there is always something better, always.. will be.. and to be honest, im tired.. it beats the hell of me trying to keep up with better.. im tired of better. im tired of more.. but... i wont stop craving for it. and i'll always be tired of it.. because.. it can be really tiring.. but its what i live for.. cant just throw better away now can i :)

my space grows bigger as the day passes by.. and those tiny leaking holes, that sometimes empty me.. i'll be sure to fix it up.. plaster it with cold hard cement or some thing like that.. decorate it with pink and red hearts perhaps.

there are secrets that we still have left to find
there have been mysteries from the beginning of time
there are answers we're not wise enough to see

five for fighting [the riddle]

wish i was this.. and wish i had that... and this is all i have and perhaps all that i need

2006-10-05T19:34:00.000+08:00

my thoughts are a bit jumbled up. and therefore im not sure what this is going to be a bout. not yet. responsibility. mm that's a big word. procrastination. another big word. i remember my younger days in school "remember girl.. it is your responsibility to finish your homework before you come to class" obviously i lost true meaning of it.. as i remember being sickly scared that i had totally forgotten to do it. and that was because.. i procrastinated. "takpelah.. kejap lagi baby buat la mommy" and my kejap lagi was nowhere to be seen as i played around day dreaming of what my life would be like singing que sera sera what will be will be. 2 weeks later came the lesson on procrastination.. and the famous procrastination is the thief of time.

and the reason for this is beause i simply have been procrastinating my entries.. oh well :) better late than never.

sunday morning was cheery.. wait.. its almost friday. oh well... its nice to reminisce on days u felt so good. where the sun was shining, birds chirping, and it was sunday morning. with a wake up call from the yoga instructor, i was set for yoga. yes it felt like a yoga day. and here you'll see yogi me trying to be. my 2nd class, and i was prepared, to be in painand to know that 3 days later i'll still be in pain. and on days like this.. i wish... i was like the yoga instructor. [check out her page and u'll know what i mean ]

i've learned that we cant all be what we want to be. well not all at one time at least. but we can definitely work towards it.

so.. yeah i get to tell stories on tv.. . i go on set, at a location, ready to shoot and have a bumble jumble load of fun...like yoga, less pain .. and just like this :)

and so i've learned, that i have so many wants, and so many needs [notice the order of importance]. and at times i wonder.. what if the one thing i wanted most, or needed most, is not the one, i want or the one i need. that caught me thinking for a while. and that has left me in a confused state of mind.

so i shall not stop and i shall not surrender. not just yet. even if it means that i've got to yogi my way through it. i shall not falter.

some dreams live on in time forever
those dreams, you want with all your heart
and Ill do whatever it takes
follow through with the promise I made
put it all on the line
what I hoped for at last would be mine

reach - gloria estafan

where do i go from here

2006-09-27T21:13:00.000+08:00

what exactly is a blog?im too lazy to google it up and im sure some one can tell me what it means or literally means. well anyway its seems like its been ages that i've posted anything. even im bored with my page. can my life be thatempty? empty enough for me not to have written down anything? no.. i dont think so..actually no.. i have just not been acknowledging it.. so now here i begin...

late august -- went to singapore .. to audition for 5 takes.. where gladly to be there but sadly to not make it to the final 5.. but as jade maravillas my room mate from manilla, phillipines said.. we had great chance to have fun, met a lot of great people and ...i of course ended up shopping ! so what happened was that.. they had gathered about 36 participants to audition for the programme and they were flown in from malaysia, taiwan, indonesia, phillipines, australia. and you guys should watch out for the final 5 takes - USA

upon arrival back to kl where i headed of to sekeping serendah for a barbeque amongst friends.. indeed the retreat was definitely a treat :)

and of course.. when september came.. it was my reason to celebrate!!! :) a chance to have my darling nephews blow out my 26 candles for me :) for friends and loved ones to gather and meet. a million laughters and a zillion smiles .

To think, when one is no longer young, when one is not yet old, that one is no longer young, that one is not yet old, that is perhaps something -Samuel Beckett

and then.. it was time to focus it all out.. on ming jin's work. his latest feature film the history of pink elephants. where i play the role of leana.

many have said.. juliana.. update your blog. and i said i dont know what to write.. and they said.. write what you always write about.. you write about love and life.. and love and life.. and love..

just how much love can i write about? too much..not much? never too much... just about enough to love and be loved..

if love is blind, if love's a drug,
it always is, it always was
and love was surely made for fools like me
I did, I can, I was, I am
only human, living, dying
just like any fool who ever breathed

maybe it's the sanest thing
or just the sweetest kind of dream
but love was surely made for fools

love was surely made for fools,
love was surely made for fools like me

- lisa loeb -

what seemed like forever was just a few weeks ago

2006-08-23T09:31:00.000+08:00

[ mia sara, my beloved cat in snoozeland dreaming away ]

after a series of fortunate events im finally taking time to pen down my thoughts and taking a breather.

oh how long its been. work has left me not connecting with myself at times. but of course it's all good. alhamdullilah and congratulations for gubra, yasmin ahmad, sharifah armani, cast and crew. [ so if you didnt catch it on the big screen , the dvd/vcd is now out in stores nearby ]

one of the most memorable and pleasant experience i had recently was working with a bunch of teenagers. it was for a talent search competition powered by digi :) the digicelebriteen was aimed at giving young aspiring teen talents a shot at stardom. and my oh my .. they definitely amazed me with their talent and unique personality. each and everyone of them were just so so good!! which i felt made the grand finals a very tough competition. i of course had a personal favourite dave from sarawak who sang in mandarin and had made me fallen in love with mandarin songs! :) but without a doubt everyone was simply simply amazing. but you see... it wasn't just about the competition and the fact that they had such great talent. it was so much more than that. it was seeing these young kids, going out there and doing what they had to do and most importantly what they wanted to do.. which involved alot of hard work, great great effort, i mean they really worked hard and they were happy too. with the smiles on their faces and the high spirits they kept inside was sort of an inspiration and of course... that made me happy too.

i remember my days joining in the talent search in school many many years ago. 16 years ago, trying my very best to sing francesca peters's kau lilin cintaku [ i was a big fan of hers back then.. am still ]. in which i had failed tremendously, and ran off the stage in tears streaming down my cheeks.. sat down on the swing and cried even harder...

nevertheless, i was happy, still am happy and blessed with the nomination of most promising actress at the recent film festival awards , and of course, congratulations to my friend carmen soo :) hugs hugs.. love love :)

take me to that place where the wind blows of love

2006-07-05T13:04:00.000+08:00

edge of the ocean [ivy]

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out.
And the sky is deep and blue.
Won't you take me there with you.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

There's a world I've always known
Somewhere far away from home.
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

hips dont lie

2006-06-28T20:43:00.000+08:00

love is much needed in the world. children are dying , mothers being killed , fathers being tortured and all of those who suffer in pain. and there's more to say to this. however, it just doesn't seem right for me to not have an entry on the 'most important' event happening in town and all over the world too. especially when my niece and nephews aged between 3-7 are talking about it. a conversation i overheard from the next table where they were having their fish and chips. " i like england " " i like brazil " " i like costa rica " and small little taufiq aged 3 who knew nothing about what they were all talking about but merely wanted to join in the conversation mentioned " i like london " [ and only because he went on a trip to big city london recently ]

yes. im talking about the game where 22 people chase after a ball on a big green field with thousands of people cheering for them. no.. i have nothing against football. i do not detest the whole idea of it. i am not angry if men forget the women by their side for a football game. and neither do i think its silly that these sometimes gorgeous looking men chase after a ball. [BUT] im not a fan, i dont watch a single game unless someone else is watching or the big screen tv at the mamak shop 'happens' to have it on. and i DO NOT unsubscribe the results from maxis which never fails to wake me up EVERY morning. which nicely allows me to know the score and therefore not appear too dumb when finally someone i meet does speak about it. however, i do envy dzof who is now in germany watching all the games yet finds time to send me a postcard of fruits from one of the museums he visited. [updated enty 30/06/06 - not just any fruits but claude monet's pears and grapes :: kunsthalle, hamburg, germany :: ]

so yeah. i get excited that the WORLD CUP is here, and i'd wear a tshirt to support a team or even paint my face. the thought of cheering for a team would bring me much delight. many years passed by, i still dont have a team. i probably never will.

unlike those little children, at the next table, filled with enthusiasm up to the maximum level, stand by their teams which from england, brazil and costa rica earlier , had moved on to saudi arabia, south korea and germany, and for taufiq who from london, now, chooses singapore [ his first trip on an airplane was to singapore -- he's very much proud of it ]

p/s :sing along to the tune of shakira's world cup hit!

and let there be love

2006-06-24T21:40:00.000+08:00

some people have said i am a romantic at heart. most often before i'd shudder at the thought instead of gleaming with delight. and it made me wonder why i was shy at being called a romantic then. but now when i think of it.. a smile appear on my lips.

sometimes i talk too much of this word called love. i can spell it. but ask me what it means.. 10000 blogs would not be enough. i breathe love. i seek love. and its funny that i so often want to be able to give it so freely away. to that child who sells kerepek at the mamak shop, the cat on the floor who wants my tulang ikan on my plate, the flower in my garden that's blooming like crazy, my family who breathes down my neck, my dearest friends who sometimes can say the darndest thing just to pull me down from living in cloud nine [believe me .. i need people like this in life or id go crashing in clouds and fall down with a big thud!] or those like angels sent from heaven above kissing me with love endlessly without fail, and just about everybody else i know or do not know some how some way or another.

seeing love and feeling it in the lives of the people i know, or do not know, is a great blessing to me. it touches the core of my heart.

because why? because all of this... it's just such a feel good feeling and i cannot imagine living without. of course there were days when i had stopped trying to understand it all... and when i thought it truly dissappeared from inside me, i became hollow and empty.. so i guess my statement would be.. i cannot imagine living without it ever again.

[its sometimes hard to love and not expect to be loved in return] that im still learning in chapter 21[ julie's lil book of love]!

simple things in life that's free

the rainbow after that rainy day
falling autumm leaves [inspired by movies-- msia got no autumm maaaa!!]
snowflakes on ur nose [as described in novels]
sunshine rays
moon and stars
chirping birds
flowers and trees
holding hands
warm hugs
first kiss of the day

no i havent found what im looking for... but perhaps now i believe im always a day closer .. :)

p/s : to the one that wishes to remain anonymous :) , this entry is dedicated to you and your significant other. may you live a life filled with love, and may that vase be filled with many many more flowers as the day passes by and years to come.

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

2006-06-22T22:49:00.000+08:00

The Art of Losing [Elizabeth Bishop]

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! My last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

–Even losing you [the joking voice, a gesture
I love] I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

time to mend

2006-06-16T23:34:00.000+08:00

i cant quite figure what it is. the past few weeks have been quite a down fall. and after those few weeks i decided to make a choice. i decided to pick up my broken pieces, and i tried to join them back together. these broken pieces that i had to pick up were pieces that may have fallen down many many years. such a long period of time that many of these pieces have actually strayed from where it could have been. i havent found it all.. perhaps i never will...

picking them up wasnt really easy. troubled and confused .. i switched to amazed and surprised. from crying to tears, i laughed till i almost couldnt breath anymore. my heavy sigh turned to a loving smile. i truly surrendered and let go of control.

patience. i never had patienced. i dont think so. maybe a little. but most often i always tried to find the easy way out. i hated to lose. and winning the game was a must. and why? perhaps i have too much fear. and getting myself hurt would be the last thing id look forward to. but what if i dont get hurt. id never know now would i?

which reminds me of the time when i experienced my [first moments of first experiences]. as a child.. id get up everytime i fell down.. and id do it all over again.. and fell and get up, all over again and over and over until i became older and over and over till one day i finally fell so hard that getting up was a pain. too much of a pain of a hassle and i just dont bother anymore.

so i pick my pieces and i glue them all back together. but one day they might break apart.. all over again.. but that's okay.. its part and parcel of life :) maybe that's what makes it so interesting and beautiful at the same time.

jom minum

2006-06-11T11:36:00.000+08:00

[zig ziglar - kids go where there is excitement. they stay where there is love]

i had a 4 day shoot upnorth for a new breakfast show on rtm. we shot 2 episodes and i have a feeling as we finish shoot, im gonna put on more pounds. not that its a bad thing :) the first was in tapah, local restaurant that goes by the name capati corner. and let me tell you.. it serves the softest capati i've ever had in my entire life. its really really good. and its easy to find as well. as u exit towards tapah from the north south expressway, you will reach a t junction and u make a left. u go on straight until u see a sign board that says lata kinjang. just before that junction, capati corner will be on the left hand side of the road. delicious capati with chicken masala, lamb masala, and many other scrumptious dishes!!! :)

the next day we headed towards kuala kangsar. this was a different style of breakfast all together. in kuala kangsar, i experienced the english breakfast. the only kopitiam in kuala kangsar serving an english menu i think. kat kopitiam. yup... kat kopitiam. founded by the kat family. kat nicole , kat li cheen and kat daniel. daniel's the chef. daniel shared an interesting story... he worked for a few years in ipoh and penang before going to singapore where he was working with [the oriental] as a chef. he saved up and took a working holiday visa to travel in the uk and europe. later his sister li cheen came to join him. he gained enough experience to come home and started up his own business.

i had said to him that i've been thinking to take up the holiday working visa, a tough choice between new zealand, australia or the uk. although i have the visa for new zealand already. and [might] be leaving late this year :) and just like many others whom i've shared this little secret, he too said i should go if i wanted to.

its funny how we want so many things in life yet we sometimes say.. oh i want to but... [ then comes a million and one excuses ] well not all of us, maybe a handful, but i sometimes fall into that big trap as well.

so i guess its time to take that big step and like [j.t.] said, [everyday is a step towards reaching your goal]. and in my context my goal would be all that i say i want :)

and what i want... well that's another story altogether :)

ps : kat kopitiam serves the tastiest roti bakar. it made me go mmmmm va va voom!

[ leo buscaglia - only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain can we truly know what love means ]

dust

2006-06-04T13:43:00.000+08:00

last night out with friends was such a good thing for me. we had fun, talked and laughed alot. and i bought dvds. a movie [ me and you and everyone we know] and the first season of [grey's anatomy]

watching [mayaewk] with my dad in the same room wasnt all that easy. i found it very intriguing. i loved the lines, and thought the script was funny, yet meaning ful. my dad thought it was filled with erotic crazy people who didnt know what to do in life. which i thought was rather funny too. and i said.. its art [abah] :)

although yesterday and days before was what i claimed empty. i decided today to make a choice and erase my memories of emptiness with a wet cloth. you know if a blackboard is dirty and all u wanna to is take the duster and wipe it off. but i hate dusting the blackboard. and in school i was too short to wipe the top off. and i had to pull a chair. and that would make my navy blue pinafore dirty with chalk. that's because i was rather clumsy. wiping my hands on my clothes. and i hate dust.

bic runga's - dust

Blades of grass
That shiver as I pass
The world's asleep but I'm awake
I'm walking home home again
Morning stars
Left my shoes back at the bar
Didn't know my house was quite so far,
So far from anywhere

Strange how the ground
Seems up-side down
And morning - it starts without me
Did I let you down?
Should I come around?
Would that make things better baby?

You and I
We get along just fine
But oh, we both want to be right
It's just not possible

Change your mind
Or maybe I'll change mine
But either way we won't arrive
At something plausible

I'll see you 'round
When you're in town
And you can pretend to hate me
All trace of love
Has turned to dust
Which I've been collecting lately

maybe its yoga

2006-06-03T17:43:00.000+08:00

this entry is being created with the yoga instructor in mind. [update your blog i miss u] -was what she said in a recent sms. it seems unfair that i had just left this space blank for a very long time. or what seemed like a very long time which had passed by so quickly. the reason for the empty space was because, i simply didnt know what to write. to say i had done nothing for the past 3 weeks was a lie. but i had felt so empty inside. but today its time to get up.. and fill it up ..

sick for 3 weeks - loss of voice, fatigue, cold, flu, sore throat [now getting much better with all that honey lemon and tea]

went for holiday - simply delightful, a memorable experience, blessed

work - chicky hour, realiti and perhaps a new contract for a new show which will be informed once everything is in black and white.

family - all in good health

friends - super duper SUPER!!! [lunch tea and dinner wouldnt be as super without all you super you]

and for all the above in my life.. i honestly shouldnt be complaining about anything at all. i ask myself if i want someting more, or perhaps something less. the answer's not there. but something's missing.. im quite sure i know what it is... or maybe i need yoga?

none

2006-05-31T12:10:00.000+08:00

with the eruption of volcanoes, earthquakes and such, it scares me a little, as it seems like the world is falling apart.

what is mother nature trying to say?

what does it mean?

perhaps there is no answer. perhaps it is not meant to have an answer.

if i keep on looking.. will i find what im looking for?

lost... without out a clue.

first entry away

2006-05-08T20:57:00.000+08:00

entry made at changi airport.. everything is expensive here.. sigh.. but internet is free for 15 minutes and my time is up :) hugs and love.... [8.55pm ]

[ break it ] , make it

2006-05-05T18:38:00.000+08:00

The Breakers from left to right :

Adam Farouk [Percussion]Steve Engelbrecht [Tenor]Andy Goldin [Baritone]Greg Pratt [Tenor]Chris Wildeman [Bass]

i was at bsc last night given the opportunity to see the breakers a vocal band from new york. i had a very good time and would say enjoyed myself tremendously. when i see people perform, it gives me a positive energy, a great vibe. i have a very good friend who sings very, very well accompanied with his guitar, and everytime i feel like the world seems like it would end [ okay , drama queen takes over ] all i do is think of those times when he would play the guitar and sing for me. its lovely to see such talented people that honour their gift from [G]od and sharing it with the people around them.

that past nights have been sleepless. creating another melancholy day for the morning after. is it just me or has the past few days appeared gloomy, dark, and sort of dull. i remember the saying ' nak tido nanti jgn lupa basuh kaki ' [ ' wash your feet before u go to sleep ' ] . is this a myth , or even a common practice anymore. its those dreams that i get every night that reminds me of this saying when i was much younger. avoiding what my mom would call ' mengigau ' or [nightmares] i still sometimes forget to wash my feet.

a song originally performed by cyndi lauper, also at the show last night, which still lingers in my head ...

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles
Confusion is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
Almost left behind
Suitcase of memories,
Time after--

Sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows--you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time--

You said go slow--
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds--

Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time

is it half empty or half full?

2006-04-26T23:19:00.000+08:00

i am trying to draw a fine line between being selfish and just being responsible in making myself happy.

i would love to go away to another place, another city, another town, another country... not for long.. just a for awhile.. to gain more knowledge, and fill up my so called ' experience bank '

i am saving money to buy an ibook

i admire people and friends, who have the strength to follow their heart and make the impossible , possible

i am touched by those who gives and gives and expect nothing in return, loving wholeheartedly.

i like to see couples in love.

i am happy for my friends that are happily married.

i wonder why some people out there.. think or act like alien[s] on a totally different planet.

i cannot understand myself sometimes.

i wish to be independant.

i pray that i make the best decisions as there is no right or wrong for me.

i get lost in my thoughts at times.-- [most times]

i am going to sleep ... zzzZZZzzzz

you are my love story

2006-04-23T23:42:00.000+08:00

her : i just wanna be in love

him : what does being in love feel like

her : gee.. im not sure

him : how come?

her : well its hard to say. i confuse being in a relationship with being in love. i believe it should go together hand in hand.. dont u think so?

him : dont ask me.. i dont really believe in love.

her : but i thought u said u love me

him : well yeah..

her : ure mean! u dont love me do u?

him : of course i do..

her : okay. well.. i still dont know what it feels like.. i just want to know.. that i have someone in my life.. and that i dont have to worry wether this person would ever leave me and be with someone else. and that no matter where i am.. or where he is.. i love him.. and he loves me. and stay that way forever and ever. does it sound too much of a fairytale?

him : i dont know.. what do u think?

her : maybe someday.. it wont be a fairytale anymore..

him : so how's ur love story?

her : i dont have a love story.. ( u are my love story )

him : really?

her : yeah.. really.... ( u are my love story )

him : okay...

her : well i have to go...

him : okay...

her : bye

him : bye

-----------------------------------------------------

eva natasha

2006-04-21T11:36:00.000+08:00

love me most when i least deserve it.. because that's when i really need it

pupus - dewa

2006-04-19T23:58:00.001+08:00

aku tak mengerti, apa yang kurasa
rindu yang tak pernah begitu hebatnya
aku mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tau
meski kau takkan pernah tau

aku persembahkan hidupku untukmu
telah ku relakan, hatiku padamu
namun kau masih bisu, diam seribu bahasa
dan hati kecilku bicara

baru kusadari cintaku bertepuk sebelah tangan
kau buat remuk sluruh hatiku

semoga waktu akan mengilhami sisi hatimu yang beku
semoga akan datang keajaiban hingga akhirnya kaupun mau

aku mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tau
meski kau takkan pernah tau

what is?

2006-04-19T18:51:00.000+08:00

as i am writing this.. i do not have a picture for this entry. i might later. as i am writing this.. i do not know what to write about. yet my mind wonders for something to fill in the blanks.. its been a tough week.. and a tough few months. it's also been extremely beautiful and heavenly in a certain point of view.

today i made a statement saying that it is so easy for people to rate success as where u are at ur current job status, and i cannot agree with that. its so easy for people to say.. '' waaahh look at him/ her!! she's a top manager of that firm okay.. he's/she's the senior lawyer in that firm, head doctor of the hospital " no doubt about that.. successful indeed.

but what about someone who left his/her job to travel around the world in 8 months just to satisfy his/her dream to see the world? or what a bout someone who works as a waiter/waitress in a very small cafe yet has the most beautiful loving relationship with his/her partner?

its so easy to be sucked into this whole idea that success is how much u earn and what job u do.

what is success to you?

somewhere over the rainbow.. not all skies are blue

2006-04-11T00:51:00.000+08:00

what makes me unhappy :(
people who lie to me
polygamy
people killing each other at war
mothers leaving their babies in public toilets
tears in the eyes of my loved ones

A member of Eugene Peaceworks shares
grim statistics on the mortality rate of
Iraqi children after sanctions were imposed. [12/17/98]

The bodies of Palestinian Ahmed Mughayer, 13,
and his sister Asma, 16, right, are wrapped in
blankets after being brought from the Talesultan area
of the Rafah refugee camp, in the southern Gaza Strip,
Tuesday, May 18, 2004. Both were on the roof
of their three-story apartment building when
they were hit by army fire, said their older brother, Ali.
The shots were fired from an Israeli army position
on the sixth floor of the neighboring building, he said.
(AP Photo/Kevin Frayer)

what makes me happy :)
my little nephews waking me up in the morning with a wet kiss and a big hug
chocolate ice cream
rockclimbing at camp5 and batu caves
laughing together with my girlfriends
comments on my blog ;) *hint hint
the smile on the faces of my loved ones

the smile on the faces of just anybody
smiles :)

there are times when i become really upset about things that i come to believe my world is falling apart. i cry, and feel really sad that i have to go through such dissapointments in life. and then i sit down and i think to myself, how lucky it is that i actually have what i have.. and how unlucky some other people are across the other side of the world. i am truly blessed and i thank God for the beauty that surrounds me.

simple delights

2006-04-03T13:17:00.000+08:00

sunday was spent climbing at batucaves. the experience was simply amazing i should say. unfortunately, the camera ran out of battery and so those were the only few photos i managed to capture. well.. probably in a few weeks id make another trip.. and this time.. i'll be better prepared. when i mean better prepared it means.. no coming in beaded slippers, hair tied up in a twist, and a proper backpack to keep my stuff.. :) i had this whole idea that it was kind of a commercialized climbing wall and i wouldnt have to trek on a short trail with mosquitos accompanying me all through the way! :) i laugh at myself now .. i had brought with me.. along with (what i thought was) a cool looking duffel bag, an ipod, a mini fan, a book, sort of a pareo so to sit on and not dirty myself and was nicely clad in what i thought were cool stylo clothes to look good :) its no wonder aman said, " i dont think u can go trekking in nepal" :) oh well it was lesson learned :)

in the past 7 days ..
1. i met paula malai ali in person after watching m the opera :)
2. i managed to follow a strict low carb diet
3. i bought a pair of shoes (im just a girl)
4. i listened to my heart
5. i loved
6. i felt loved
7. i lived my life

'the only reason to live, is life itself. i try to climb up the route so that when i look down and see for myself that there would be something to make my heart gleam with delight'

happy shiny people holding hands

2006-03-20T20:27:00.000+08:00

wow.. i was going through my blog. and as i was reading it.. i smiled to myself. such an emotional drama queen i was.. guess i still am :) there were days where i doubted myself, there were days when i went crazy, days when things got crappy and days that really made my day.

and throughout those days.. i did well, i had fun, made mistakes.. made some more mistakes.. but the best part i guess is taking a step to learn from all those mistakes in the past and therefore create great experiences and being a better 'me' . that's life for me.. falling down.. and getting back on my feet and doing whatever it takes to always be on my feet. all in all .. i just wanted to be sure that i was always happy...

but someone told me before... 'that the beauty of life does not depend on how happy you are but on how happy others can be because of you'. and that i believe... works best for me.

to see happiness on the faces of a loved one, family and friends... is all that i yearn for.. each and everyday of my life... until the end of time. and im very lucky it goes both ways :)

untitled

2006-03-20T19:05:00.000+08:00

a song by maliq and d'essentials. so i fell in love with this song and this band thanks to aman :)

spice up ur life with havaianas

2006-03-19T00:03:00.000+08:00

wow.. it was a rather busy week.. yet kinda fulfilling.. had shoot everyday and went to camp5 on wednesday. hope to go again tomorrow. i've been attending the climbing clinic before every tuesdays and thursdays. but we're done with the clinic and so i havent been climbing as often as id like to :)

the anugerah sri angkasa was just like what u probably saw on tv. however, me had the chance to grace the red carpet thanks to daphne better known as daphne iking :)

went to one utama today and was lucky enough to get 2 movie tickets for underworld:evolution .. how gruesome that was.. do not attempt to catch the movie after eating a huge serving of spaghetti and meat balls.. yet an empty stomach might make u sick just as well...

last day of matta fair tomorrow .. and just like every other year.. i did not go. i make it a point to tell my self.. that when the travel fair is here.. im gonna get myself a good deal... but every year.. since the year i decided i would enjoy travelling... id always miss the travel fair.. matta fair.. mas fair.. mayfair.. my fair lady :)

and to the anonymous 'a'..... i am so sorry that i had not read ur comment much much earlier.. i would have given u a call right away.. but its kinda late right now.. just wanted u to know.. that u need not worry :) thank you i am okay... may the production come true .. even if it doesnt.. i would like to say that i am very much honoured to have taken the role of eliza doolittle :)

hope that everyone is having a greattttttttttttttt weekend!! :)

p/s : visit www.havaianas.com

if its magic - stevie wonder

2006-03-16T23:52:00.000+08:00

may we grow old together and keep the magic alive....

If it's magic...
Then why can't it be everlasting
Like the sun that always shines
Like the poets in this rhyme
Like the galaxies in time

If it's pleasing...
Then why can't it be never leaving
Like the day that never fails
Like on seashores there are shells
Like the time that always tells

It holds the key to every heart
Throughout the universe
It fills you up without a bite
And quenches every thirst

So...
If it's special
Then with it why aren't we as careful
As making sure we dress in style
Posing pictures with a smile
Keeping danger from a child

It holds the key to every heart
Throughout the universe
It fills you up without a bite
And quenches every thirst

So...
If it's magic...
Why can't we make it everlasting
Like the lifetime of the sun
It will leave no heart undone
For there's enough for everyone

wake up ms juliana and smell the coffee

2006-03-03T21:28:00.000+08:00

im trying to figure out why i make a lot of drama in my life :) sometimes i laugh to myself.. and sometimes i cry myself to sleep. i like to imagine that life is made of strawberries and cream. i like to imagine that the people in my life are touched and glad that i try to make their life a cupful of strawberries and cream too.

okay.. im probably talking in a language that not many can understand.. but that's just me.

my manager called me a couple of days ago. putting my name on the list as one of the talents for a cooking and travel show on discovery channel. discovery channel.. that's like a dream come true. i was ssssoooo excited i just couldnt sit still :) anyway i hope my voice gets better soon. so that i can do my very best during the audition. i have a nother audition tomorrow at tv3 to host a talent show. later then i should be going of with shegar to find a nice piece of material to make a dress for the anugerah sri angkasa this coming 10th of march. i never spoke of shegar before.. to be honest i wouldnt know what i would do if i didnt have shegar around.

i met shegar i think 2 years back while doing a stage production. for many of you who's worked with shegar.. u'd know that shegar was sent straight down from heaven.and for you who dont, he's a trained interior designer, done stage designs, styling for video clips, image making, and most importantly my personal stylist :)

i believe i spend too much time worrying about the unnecessary when i have so much in my life to make it more than a cupful of strawberries and cream.

so tonite im going to get myself a good nite sleep.

p/s : can anyone tell me how to put pictures in here? thankss :)

no logical explanation

2006-03-02T21:49:00.000+08:00

i am sick and i've lost my voice. no where to turn to but my blog. a place i sort of have forgotten. what kind of an idiot could forget such a thing? :) oh well..

the past few weeks have been crazy. my dad got admitted to the hospital bout 2 weeks back. suffered from a heart attack. i was on my way back home past midnite when i got a phone call from him .. he said.." i am sick.. can u come home" i rushed like crazy and when i got home his car wasnt there. my maid had told me that my mom took my dad to the hospital.. it was a panic attack for me. tears were just falling, called my sister.. she called my mom.. mom said.. dad had a heart attack. we[me, my brother and my sister] rushed to the hospital my dad was in the ambulance. i sat next to him. at that time.. the only thought on my mind " i could lose the one and only man in my life who would love me unconditionally " he looked at me .. emotionless.. with the oxygen mask on his face.. i trembled inside...

that was real drama for me.. he is recovering slowly... but surely.. and i thank God for that. i guess its true.. you never know how much u'd love a person.. till one day.. when they're no longer there.. i'm so lucky.. to still have my dad around.. and have the chance to show him just how much i do love him.. with all my heart.

and in my life.. with the love that surrounds me.. i know now.. that it can come and it can go with a blink of an eye. and most importantly.. its not just death that takes it away.. one million possible reasons. how important it is we treasure what we have..

spidey here i come

2006-01-24T11:11:00.000+08:00

last weekend i made an attempt to rockclimb. indoor rock climbing. that was fun!! :) it was really tough actually for me. one needs alot of strength and engergy to get u going up. but the feeling of being up there was simply amazing :) thank you baby.. it would not happen if it weren't for you :)

the power of love

2006-01-18T21:15:00.000+08:00

its funny but my dad loves sending me to work and picking me up later in the evening. it seems to be a joy for him to be able to do such a thing for his beloved daughter. and i've just realized that the conversations we've shared has been mostly just about me.. my life, my job, my relationship, my friends, my bank account.. ME. maybe 2 out of 10 times i probably did ask .. how are u abah? rather selfish i think. see i'm really close to my dad. we talk alot at home, in the car.. never on the phone.. (he's not a phone guy) we've laughed, we've fought, i've cried, he kept quiet.

parents love it when we do things their way. most often i dont want to do it their away. because i'm not really them. i have my own set of mind. and i believe the values they've taught me would allow me to make the best decisions at any given time. and if i ever did make a mistake.. id learned from it. but its because they love me too much.. that they would never ever wanna see me get hurt, or even dissappointed. so where do i draw the line, between making them happy, or making myself happy :)

and no matter how bad i've been, how rude i've been, how dissappointing i've been, or hey.. u know.. being good, getting good grades, some achievements that they just refuse to acknowledge just because they fear i'd get it over my head and start thinking 'hey im all that'.. its funny how they will never turn their backs on me.. its feels so good and safe to know that they love me no matter what...

and so for no reason at all.. my dad got a kiss on his shoulder this evening as i said eeeeeeee i love you!! :) and dearest mommy got a huge smile from me as i told her how amazing it is that she makes and effort to do all the things she loves doing.. ( she makes quilts actually.. since last year) and that im very proud of her...

and its little things like this... that counts :)

bare necessities

2006-01-17T20:57:00.000+08:00

i had made a point today to be different. to act differently. see things differently. i took a quiet moment to recognize all that i have. and there's no reason to be angry, or upset, or dissappointed in absolutely anything. it probably has been that way only that i chose not to believe in it.

but as usual, i can never stop questioning myself or anyone with some of the necessities of life. today its about beauty products and cosmetics. is it worth it enough to spend a lot of money on things like this. brands like chanel, mac, bobbi brown, estee lauder. are they really in to make us look good or is it just another branding gimmick.

i have been one of those who has been bought by these branding gimmicks. an avid fan of 'supposedly high quality cosmetics and skin care' i find it hard to believe that all of these are needed in my life. leonard drake tells me that it is essential for me to do my facial at least twice everymonth. and for every visit, that would cost me a walloping RM200 just for facial ... and that does not include products that we 'supposedly need to use' and yet as my dad bluntly puts it "how come u still dont have flawless skin?" do i listen to him? does my heart falter wondering why it's not really working? no.. faithfully i contribute each month to the fork raking money making company.

so maybe its not them.. maybe i just dont drink enough water... but its not fair.. at the age of 59, my mom, has better skin then me.. what's her secret i ask? "take care of your skin" "wash cleanse tone moisturize" hey i could read that from a magazine and mummy dearest, i've been doing that for the past 10 years and it doesnt seem to work!!

so i give up.. maybe its time for 'clean and clear' 2 weeks later and it seems even worse than before... miss christy from leonard drake says " aaa misss... ur skin very sensitive and very oilyy, so all the pores are clogged up. maybe ur skin care is NOT non - comodegenic. you must try our product it IS non-comodegenic. ahh.. so i continue to spend having high hopes that there's much to get from all of this. hey maybe i'll start using SKII facial treatment essence to.. so i'll have crystal clear skin like award winning actress QIQI or malaysia's own deanna yusoff :)

and when i look back, its these little pleasures in life that makes me want to work wo hard. hey.. a facial, great skin care and beauty products, every woman's best friend :)

some think its worth it.. some think its not.. which one are u? :)

p/s : those leonard drake gurls are quite nice actually.. and extremely talented in helping you empty your purse :) lots of love...

let go and relax.. u'll do just fine :)

2006-01-12T20:19:00.000+08:00

i have a problem with letting go. letting go the moment that has just past by. letting go the fact that i cannot simply know everything. letting go the fact that some things are just not meant for me to know.letting go the fact that im not like anyone else and that my individuality will stand out if i just stick to being me.. its like one moment im going through a situation.. and then.. suddenly its over.. and i simply forget the experience. 5 minutes later i go ... ' i should have done that' or ' what if '

that's not good u see.. well i feel its not. in a relationship.. i doubt myself and others. its like i always have this feeling that.. it might not work out.. he probably doesnt even like me.. what more.. love me.. ohh.. i sound so pathetic. when i go for my auditions .. its even worse.. even before i start saying a word.. i already know im going to be bad.. and while im saying whatever im saying.. things like.. oh shit im saying the wrong things go through my mind.. and when its over.. i go.. shitt... what the hell did i do? and i spend my time in the car.. reciting the words over and over again.. the way my mind says i think i should :P and when i go out.. half the time i worry about the way i look.. there goes my secret :)

its sooo easy for me to tell my self hey relax.. u'll do just fine.. hey relax.. im sure he loves u.. hey relax.. just relax... why is it so hard to be relaxed then?

starting out

2006-01-06T22:34:00.000+08:00

i have been given my first assignment by the visitor. ooh im excited!! you're probably wondering what.. will keep u updated soon!! :)

of nothing in particular

2006-01-06T21:58:00.000+08:00

wow.. i cannot believe its been so long since i've written anything. was there nothing to write about? or have i been busy.. or have i not been making time for my blog or perhaps even for myself. i would say i have been through some fortunate and unfortunate series of events. nevertheless i have no regrets. i may share some bits and pieces here and there. not all in one writing though.. its a balance of bitter and sweet here and there.

i took a break from work and went for a holiday. it was really fun. i went to the beach. i loveeeee beaches. there's this warm feeling that gushes through my soul everytime i sit down on the sand facing the open sea.

the coming of new year looked pretty heavenly from where i was on the 31st of december 2005. i was away on a beautiful island. the water was clear blue. waves were splashing around. and there were stars bright up in the sky. it was too good to be true. i faced the open sea and noticed that i had a lot for me to look forward too... yet at that moment i felt lost. i felt scared. 2006.. another year... what's it gonna be like this time? 2005 was good.. a lot went on for me and i felt relieved that i had lived each day almost to the fullest doing exactly all that i had wanted to do...

so what's it going to be like this year.. more things to do. new things to learn. more love to give. i am pressure by my own little self to do better this year. to make the most out of it. after all i do only have just one life. i found out a couple of weeks back that my directer mr ng ping ho reads my blog. now i feel really conscious about it. i have this voice that tells me i need to excel in everything that i do. that i cannot make mistakes. that its embarassing to look stupid. how ever i do realize that.. id never learn anything if i dont make mistakes..

its not so easy writing now.. i think im all over everywhere. i know i need to snap out of it and focus.. i'll try again.. in a couple of minutes.. hugs people.. im back :)

so what if....

2005-09-26T11:25:00.000+08:00

who's been in a situation where, u consult a friend about something and all they do.. is tell u the negative outcome of the situation. and then u consult another friend and they tell u mostly all of the positive outcome of what's going to happen. and what about u.. when a friend is in trouble.. and they come to you.. what do you do?

mostly when there is a problem or an unsolved matter, or a confused and troubled situation, i jsut loveeeee to turn to the people around me.. never ever wanting to listen to my heart when i know that it always tells me what i really want and it just knows what its supposed to do. it's funny how most times, when im faced with a troubled situation, or im in somthing that will or will not leave me troubled, people will usually tell me to go out the backdoor, instead of actually facing up and creating what i want to create. and sumtimes, i have friends who tell me that.. i should go on with it and see what happens, if i get what i want.. great.. if i dont.. its okay ... it's called taking a risk.

when people come to me, i usually tell them to take a risk. i myself sometimes believe that taking a risk is rather difficult, especially when u're taking a risk with ur self. i mean.. who wants to get hurt, who wants to feel sad, who wants to be dissapointed... no one.. but, when we allow our fear to take over our hearts in making decisions, we are actually losing out. well that's what i feel. nothing comes easy dont u think so?

no pain no gain. i have one life.. only one.. and to have all that i dream of in life... it's gonne be one hell of an exciting journey. rainy days, and bright sunshines... mountains and hills, rivers and the open sea... so what what if i fall.. i'll get up wont i? if im lucky enough, i might have a hand to reach out for. i know u can reach out for mine anytime anyplace.. so what if its painful? there's always painkillers everywhere.. and in different forms too :) and imagine.. what if after all the pain, and all the energy has been taken away.. and u feel like u dont want to live another day.. and then.. the sun comes out.. and u come to this place.. this special place.. that u've dreamed of all ur live... its there.. with all its glory.. its' all that u've ever wanted..

why not?

its him..

2005-09-16T21:18:00.000+08:00

I was rather bored and i got myself the Ipod :) i've been eyeing it for so long!! and since it was my birthday recently i decided to give myself a treat. So i've been transferring my songs and this particular song from my Ally Mc Beal soundtrack just seemed so good to me. Sum sort of an inspiration :)

I Know Him By Heart - Vonda Shepard

There's a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I've kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
'Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living an illusion?
Wanting something I can't see
If I compromise, I'd be living lies
Pretending he's not meant to be
Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that he'll be waiting
So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart

No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

a stepford wife

2005-09-15T10:45:00.000+08:00

my mom's on a trip to india for a whole week and i have been given the task to prepare meals for my dad and my elder sister. given the fact that i do not work 9-5 and that i do love to cook, i was quite excited about it all. i love the kitchen .. i really do. but somehow i never really took upon such responsibilities. yes i cook lunch on sunday afternoons, or wednesday nights.. but really.. not every single day for breakfast lunch and dinner. as a child, i had this little idea in my head of getting married, cooking for my husband, sending the kids to school.. ahh.. remember that movie.. the stepford wives? i was ready to be a stepford wife!! :)

and for the past couple of days, i've been juggling time for meetings, shoots, and preparing meals. its not so bad after all.. ah.. lucky enough for me.. there's someone else taking care of the housework so yeah.. its not so bad really. this week has also been one of the weeks where i thought i'd be troubled by some issues happening in my life. but sumhow rather things have been quite smooth sailing. i cannot lie i do think of it at times.. most of the times... but i guess patience, hope, and faith keeps me going on.

can i bitch for a couple of seconds. u see.. i really dont like bitching about how ugly things can be in my life. but sumtimes i feel like i need to get it all out.. out of the system.. empty recycle bin.. trash can.. out out out. believe me.. im all normal.. there are days when i feel like i wish it was the end of the world. but most of the times.. i like to look at the pretty sight and if its not as pretty as i wish it were to be.. id work at making it as pretty as it can be.. sigh.. sigh sigh.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! and as u can see im not even writing about what im so upset about.. i just wanna scream my heart out that i am upset about sumthing.................................................. :) okay.. i should be fine now :)

anyway :) im starting on a new project next week. will be hosting a travel show where we bring local celebrities back to their hometown as we reminisce on the good old days :) im rather excited about it. will keep u all updated when it airs on tv :)

just once

2005-09-11T12:57:00.000+08:00

i was recently experiencing many high moments in my life. everything was almost too good to be true. i was happy.. i still am somehow rather... yesterday, and today.. am having a break down. i made a mistake. i did something wrong and im feeling really bad. i am a perfectionist. and i try to make sure that everything goes on the way its supposed to be. but somehow rather i let one thing slip off. and i hate this feeling. what do i do, when saying sorry is not enough?

and so i bravely wake up to smell the beauty of this sunday morning. hoping that things will be okay. for i have been given a gift, a flower to cherish in my life and at this moment in my life i want to hold on to it.

i must slap this face of mine to have allowed such a thing to happen. i am now scared and i have no idea what to do. hope is all i have.. if there were no hopes.. yes the heart would die..

little angels and being chicky

2005-09-01T09:47:00.000+08:00

little moments that brighten up a day

1. laughing endlessly of absolutely nothing but looking into each others eyes
2. sweet kisses on the forehead
3. discovering that taking a holiday is the next best thing to do
4. imagine eating ice cream on a hot sunday afternoon
5. going back through the memories
6. capturing moments with that magic box -- camera lah :)
7. trying best to sing a song to the tune of a guitar
8. looking up to the sky in search of mr moon
9. sharing a smile
10. prayers

despite the silliness, and the moments that breaks the heart. one can look forward to many more beautiful thoughts and events that can ease the pain and bring life to life itself. its a tough job.. but if u gotta do it.. then u just gotta do it. life is too short to waste it all on anything that brings sorrow to the soul. the world out there calls upon u... greet each day as if it was ur last.

that song

2005-08-29T11:05:00.000+08:00

Teruja - Ella
Produced & Arranged by Anton Morgan
Recorded at Two AM Music Studios
Written by Anton Morgan (Two AM)
Lyrics by Loloq (Luncai Emas) /
Allie Morgan (Two AM)
Mix by Greg Henderson / Nik Lee
Lyrics by Loloq / Allie Morgan

Selepas tangis
Ilham pun mengintai
Melontar kata
Buat aku terfikir

Selepas hujan
Hari nampak berseri
Menggilap cermin hidup
Buat aku sedar

Harus bangkit semula
Sampai hatimu memandangmu (Teruja)
Baru kau tahu tinggi langit
Dicabar cinta (Teruja)

Belaian angin
Bisa jadi ribut
Halus budi wanita
Bisa jadi keras

Bagai gelora
Merubah sempadan
Aku merintis
Dunia baru

despite the lies, betrayal, deception, bitterness and a broken vow

2005-08-28T21:38:00.000+08:00

Everything seems okay.. the waves were splashing just fine.. the ocean breeze seemed perfect, grains of sand on my feet feeling just like its suppose to be. And then.. tsunami hits. Can u imagine what it must feel like? To feel the greatness and wonders of the world and then have it all disappear in a blink of an eye. But like they always say, things happen for a reason.

The past couple of weeks and months were great and not so great. I was blinded by so many beautiful things happening in my life.. Too blind to even notice certain matters in my life that was just not working out. And the worse thing is that I had blamed myself for almost everything. Sleepless nights and the loss of appetite was just killing me. Luckily enough, I had enough love from all around me, friends, family and colleagues to keep me going on. But the one treasure I had depended my life on, failed to keep me going on.

I could not figure it out. I couldn’t find the answer. What was happening over here? It must be me. But really… is it really me? I guess it does not matter anymore. It probably never did in the first place. There was nothing greater better to turn to… but the merciful God, Allah. My only hope, my faith and my love. I found peace within myself. And it never felt better.

And indeed He has never failed to brighten up my life. Despite the rain and thunderstorms, He has given me a gift beyond imagination. And I am truly blessed. I remember the saying, that goes something like this… there is always a rainbow waiting for you after a rainy day. I found my rainbow. And it is ever so beautiful :)

stupid wall

2005-08-16T21:34:00.000+08:00

what is it with me? why do i go into a shell when i feel so uncomfortable, and why do i even feel so uncomfortable? it all happened at an audition. actually at every audition. i become a crab! and i hate it so much. i have a problem being my self. some people say its pre pro. some people say its camera conscious. what ever it is, i need to bang it in my face that, or in my head that its crap!!!!! i can be who i say i am. i am fun, i am brave, i am confident, i am passionate, i am loving. i think its focus. i dont focus enough. im like floating around in a big space, yet to find her spot. i have to learn to break whatever wall i have in front of me. i so hate that wall. frustrated and devastated i am. sob sob!!!!!!

i really do think too much. and why am i still not over this?? mental masturbation sucks!!!

juliana.. get a grip of urself!!!

what crap art thou?

2005-08-08T12:49:00.000+08:00

is it just me, or does everyone feel that they have too little time and loads of stuff on their checklist. haha... i think its time management. i could be doing all the stuff i say i want to do. but no.. i sit down here in front of this black box typing my alphabets morning day and nite.. and i say i dont have enough time... bullshit :)
some of the things i say i want to do..
1. go back to my riding lessons
2. watch a movie
3. finish reading the book i bought 2 weeks a go - the goddess within by georgianna das
4. clean up my room
5. cook a meal
6. .......
wait a minute... is that just it? and how come it seems that there's no time? aaahh.. seee.. when i list it all down, its not so much after all.. its just that when i dont it seems that there's a bazillion things to do. and what have i been doing all this while? lets recapp..
1. work..
2.work..
3. spending loving time
4. work
5. shopping
6. celebrated a friend's birthday --- ah that was a good one... at la bodega bgsr.
7. went to by some personal needs at klcc
8. bought 2 more books --- Rumi the book of Love, ISLAM and the destiny of MAN
9. thinking of unnecessary nonsense, killing the heart and soul.

i think i need a holiday... faraway... the island is calling for me.. the ocean waves calling out my name....
oh yes.. i miss u too!!

fill in the blanks

2005-08-08T01:36:00.000+08:00

i keep forgetting that whenever i dont write. i feel a bit lost. and at this particular time. i am lost. no.. let me correct myself. i was lost. until a friend, a very good friend, reminded me the song of my heart of which the words i had forgotten.

i am a perfectionist. i think i am.. or so i try to be. sometimes i realize, its not too good a thing.. for me.. and for those around me. too many times i believe i have hurt the ones i love, when i crave perfection in every single way.

i claim to be a very supportive lover and friend... the one thing i yearn for is to see the people around me, friends, family, colleagues and my loved one, win in the game of life. happy, successful and living life to its fullest.

in doing so, i sometimes turn into a creature that i myself dislike. i become pushy, demanding, accusing, bitter and indeed robbing one's soul. intentions of being supportive, caring, loving, and trusting dissapears into thin air. the worse thing is that i never even realize that it's what i'm doing to myself.

life is really about simplicity. and this little girl, turns it into one complicated roller coaster.

dont be me... please please please :)

God has bestowed upon me.. so many beautiful wonders in my life, to remind me when i turn into a monster. Love, kills this monster and such is the beauty of love.

im too tired tonite...... good nite..

dear diary

2005-07-19T16:39:00.000+08:00

i'm on a 2 day break from shoot. can't describe this feeling of having nothing to do.. heavenly but not so heavenly. i have a 6.30 am call time tomorrow for impian illyana, but luckily it's at bangsar and not at the studio in bukit bintang. which only means i get to sleep an extra half hour. the first episode of impian illyana was aired on ntvy7 yesterday nite. for the young ones, this might be something to look for. i had fun shooting the episodes of this 5 minute drama, and am still having fun with it. lydia, who plays illyana is the same age as me.. 24 in real life. and the first time we met.. we clicked immediately. its no wonder that we got the part :) wardina who play's the role of julyana, illyana's sister, is a joy to work with. so is putri zehan, who plays the role of fazlyana. chitchatting in the wardrobe room is our favourite pastime, only because, the studio is one northpole in the center of bukit bintang. awal.. mr mat smart :) and raja farah plays anita perfectly.

chicky hour has extended another season of 13 episode with new cartoon astro boy that will be aired on 31st august.. syukur alhamdulillah :)

august will be a very special month for me... i'll keep u updated.. :)

impian illyana

2005-07-18T22:00:00.000+08:00

do catch impian illyana, a 5 minute drama on ntv7. monday to friday 8.55 pm -9.10 pm. a funny and charming story about 17 year old illyana. i play the role of fasha. bestfriend to illyana. enjoy the show yeah!! :)

casts include : lydia ibtisam, wardina, putri zehan, awal ashaari and raja farah.

go to http://www.impianillyana.com.my

so.. are u lucky or are u not?

2005-07-09T14:08:00.000+08:00

its been such a hectic week. and it's going to be more hectic for the next 2 months. but on the positive side of it. i think its simply amazing. i dont know if its going to make much sense.. but i'm gonna reach 25 soon.. and its the year 2005, so perhaps, maybe its one of those reasons why i think its an amazing year for me. i started the year with a lot of things on my mind. things that i personally wanted to create. aah the scariest part of it is when i think to myself wether or not i am able to have all that i say i want.i'll share about that later..

today, i'm going to share an article. and id love for you to read it.this article is about the LUCK factor.

By Professor Richard Wise man, University of Hertfordshire.

Ten years ago, I set out to examine luck. I wanted to know why some people are always in the right place at the right time, while others consistently experience ill fortune.

I placed advertisements in national newspapers asking for people who felt consistently lucky or unlucky to contact me. Hundreds of extraordinary men and women volunteered for my research and, over theyears, I have interviewed them, monitored their lives and had them take part in experiments.

The results reveal that although these people have almost no insight into the causes of their luck, their thoughts and behavior are responsible for much of their good and bad fortune. Take the case of seemingly chance opportunities. Lucky people consistently encounter such opportunities, whereas unlucky people do not.

I carried out a simple experiment to discover whether this was due to differences in their ability to spot such opportunities. I gave both lucky and unlucky people a newspaper, and asked them to look through it and tell me how many photographs were inside. I had secretly placed a large message halfway through the newspaper saying: "Tell the experimenter you have seen this and win #250." This message took up half of the page and was written in type that was more than two inches high.

It was staring everyone straight in the face, but the unlucky people tended to miss it and the lucky people tended to spot it. Unlucky
people are generally more tenses than lucky people, and this anxiety disrupts their ability to notice the unexpected. As a result, they miss opportunities because they are too focused on looking for somethingelse. They go to parties intent on finding their perfect partner and so miss opportunities to make good friends. They look through newspapers determined to find certain types of job advertisements and miss other types of jobs.

Lucky people are more relaxed and open, and therefore see what is there rather than just what they are looking for. My research eventually revealed that lucky people generate good fortune via four principles. They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.

Towards the end of the work, I wondered whether these principles could be used to create good luck. I asked a group of volunteers to spend a month carrying out exercises designed to help them think and behave like a lucky person. These exercises helped them spot chance opportunities, listen to their intuition, and expect to be lucky, and be more resilient to bad luck.

One month later, the volunteers returned and described what had happened.

The results were dramatic: 80% of people were now happier, more satisfied with their lives and, perhaps most important of all, luckier. The lucky people had become even luckier and the unlucky had become lucky.

Finally, I had found the elusive "luck factor".

Here are Professor Wise man's four top tips for becoming lucky:

- Listen to your gut instinct -they are normally right

- Be open to new experiences and breaking your normal routine

- Spend a few moments each day remembering things that went well

- Visualize yourself being lucky before an important meeting or telephone call

Luck is very often a self-fulfilling prophecy!

mostly what i need

2005-07-03T15:13:00.000+08:00

i like this song. honesty by billy joel. i sometimes feel i live in a world where honesty is hard to find. and when i do, i truly treasure the moment. maybe the truth might hurt sometimes. but i've learned that being honest with each other is the best possible way to grow. and to all that's been ever so brutally honest with me, i thank u, because its mostly what i need from you.

If you search for tenderness
it isn't hard to find.
You can have the love you need to live.
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind.
It always seems to be so hard to give.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

I can always find someone
to say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don't want some pretty face
to tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

I can find a lover.
I can find a friend.
I can have security until the bitter end.
Anyone can comfort me
with promises again.
I know, I know.

When I'm deep inside of me
don't be too concerned.
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone.
But when I want sincerity
tell me where else can I turn.
Because you're the one I depend upon.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

picking up the pieces

2005-06-27T20:32:00.000+08:00

i grew up with a heart that wanted to love the whole world. it was great.. at times it was very painful.. some other moments i felt numb. at one point in my life. i decided to give up on my heart. i decided to give up on my feelings. i separated my emotions and lived a cold unhappy life. i became selfish, i became the most self centered person anyone could know, i became cold, i was lost, drifiting away in non special moments, and made life miserable for those around me.

but one day.. i decided to pick up the pieces of broken little me. it was tough and difficult. because i had broken myself into very little pieces, i was everywhere. and sometimes i couldnt find the pieces to fit myself back. at times i almost gave up. because it was just too hard. along the way, i was guided to find these broken pieces. there was a lot of people who supported me, who never once, gave up on me no matter what.

and i thought to myself. even others dont give up on me. why am i giving up on myself. why torture my own self ? and then. i had a 180 degrees change of mind. i continued my search. but with a different outlook. i felt excited, i felt eager, looking for these broken pieces became a challenge instead. and the search goes on.. even until today.

and everytime i find a piece of myself, there's a sigh of relief. a beautiful moment that i share and celebrate with everyone around me. sometimes, i blind myself. i pretend not to find that piece. i deny that its my piece. then i think again, why deny me? and so i turn to acceptance, accepting that little piece that perhaps i hate so much. sometimes i blind myself again, and i have people around me, who found my special piece, and i am ever so grateful for such moments in my life.

and then one day. i found all the pieces to my heart. and that was was a moment in my life that i would never ever forget. because of that day.. i am truly blessed. from time to time, my heart will break, again, because this is life, where nothing is perfect, but because of that special day.. i will never ever again.. give up on my heart.

im still looking for my other pieces. i'll look forever, until there's no tomorrow to look for. because... my life is a jigsaw puzzle... a big one.. putting it all together until i breathe my last breathe. and to those around me, i'd like to acknowledge u for being a part of my jigsaw puzzle. i thank u.

the light of my life

2005-06-20T11:55:00.000+08:00

wow... it seems like its been ages since i wrote in here. havent been too busy.. but it's been a habit to put things off till tomorrow. the next thing i know.. tomorrow has turned to days and weeks. but really.. there are just some things in life, i create the commitment to do it there and then.. can't wait any longer just have to do it right now!!!! :)

i sometimes like to think so much of my past and my future.. i rarely spend time.. enjoying my present moments. this makes life difficult for me.. so from time to time.. i remind myself, about NOW. Friends and loved ones.. they always remind me too.. that at times.. one needs to sit back and relax and give a pat on the back.

the past few weeks.. i've been taking each day, each moment at a time. ok i'll be honest.. at times i actually give my self 5 minutes to dream about the future.. well anyway, the days have just simply passed by so quickly. suddenly there's just so much to be done. so i guess it matters, that i live my life each day.. creating moments that are special to me and to those around me.

in the past few weeks.. i've been rather fulfilled.. i had a hair cut, i went for a shopping spree, i got 2 new jobs, i seldom came back late which made my parents quite happy, i spent lots of time with my family, im having the best relationship with my sister at the moment, my sweetheart and i have come to terms that though our ideas and opinions on certain matters in life are from 2 different ends of the world, we still love each other and will pull through no matter what... my girlfriends are the best any girl could ask for.. my bestfriends i know will be there for a shoulder to cry on.. and yes.. crying my heart out is the best way to kill my sorrows and get back on my feet.

i thank the merciful God who never fails to guide me to the brightest path. the road can be so dark at times, but one can do.. is look up to sky, treasure the sun, treasure the moon, the stars, and pray to Him... which allows me to gain the strength and keep on looking for that light.

to kill a mocking bird

2005-06-07T15:55:00.000+08:00

it was approximately 3.34pm. i had a late lunch and was heading back home, very sleepy indeed. it was drizzling in subang. but the rain had cleared when i reached shah alam. glad that i was just minutes away. dreaming of my comfy bed. just couldnt wait. i could see birds flying. happily. 50 meters more and BAMMM!!!! it happened. or was it more of a . DUKK!!!

i hit a bird. DUKK!! on my windscreen. did i? did i kill it? i continued driving while looking at my rear mirror. oh shit.. its still alive. but it's not flying. i could see the bird panting its last few breaths. oh dear. what do i do. i reversed my car.. and got out of the car. oh dear. its breathing. but its dying. oh dear. what do i do.

i went in to the car. drove into the driveway.. and screamed..... BIBIKKK!!! WASIAHHHH!!! Wasiah come running with a baby.. my brother's. Wasiah.... baby langgar burung!!! Jom jom pegi tengok!!! (Wasiah.. i hit a bird... come lets go and see). I took the baby from her. as we both ran to the bird. It wasnt breathing as fast as it did earlier. infact it didnt move very much. slowy Wasiah picked up the bird and brought it back home. a few minutes later.. it stopped breathing.. and by then nothing could have been done.and so we buried the bird.

minutes later... more birds came around.. chirping. probably paying respect and mourning the death of a beloved friend.

this may seem quite funny.. but it breaks my heart to see it die. how could i have killed the bird. who would have thought that i would kill a bird today. sigh. happy thoughts to think of for tomorrow.

to dream a dream

2005-05-31T12:16:00.000+08:00

helloo everybodyy!!!! :) am back.. from my long awaited holiday. perhentian kecil is da bomb... the beach is just simply beautiful. clear blue water... and i mean very very clear. even the feeling of every grain of sand beneath my feet... is just so so so sooooooooooo good. u have to go there whenever u're planning that weekend holiday paradise.

i also turned two tones darker due to the heat of the scorching sun. but it's all good. i also learned a lot. pulau perhentian kecil is a backpacker paradise island. if a resort kind of holiday is what u're looking for then perhaps u should head down to redang island, perhentian besar or even lang tengah island. i myself love resorts holiday and the first sight of this back packer paradis island came to me as a surprise. but in time i was able to fit myself into the whole idea.

i met alot of interesting people over there. travellers, from norway, us, germany, england, and managed to have a chat with some of them. they really are so brave.. quitting their job to travel across the world.. discovering south east asia. most of them say that.. they find malaysia very interesting compared to either indonesia or jakarta. apparently they seem to enjoy the culture over here. they love the weather eventhough its hot and they say that malaysia has some of the most beautiful beaches.. which i truly agree.

the point here is that these people are going of after what they want of in life. they want to travel and they do. sacrificing a lot of things. going through hard times. i dont think its very easy to just quit your job and decide to travel for a year. its easy to stay where i am.. go to work everyday, get some money, live life a bit.. its safe.
playing safe is easy. and its boring. dreams are not made to be easy. and that's why it's called a dream. but dreams can come true.

towards the end of the year last year up till today, things have gone great for me. most of what i dream of came true. and then i realized. have i stopped dreaming? when did that happen. feeling contented with what i have i fall in to my comfort zone. so now i do have new dreams.

making your dreams comes true is the best thing one could yearn for. and that's living life.

i wear wings and live in trees.

2005-05-19T10:54:00.000+08:00

a couple of days ago, a friend gave some sort of a feedback to me. apparently i should wear wings and live in trees. i appeared defensive at first. i mean how dare u say a thing like that to me. it seems to be that i live in some sort of a fairytale life. and that i should change this blog name to -- 'a sort of fairytale'.

but... looking back.. it may seem ridiculous to this person. but personally, it is my intention. perhaps to some people what i go through is a fairy tale. my fairytale and this is what's true for me. i write from my heart. and i get my inspiration from everyone. i am just being me. this is me.

to those of you who dont really know me. believe me, i live a normal life. i work, i have parents who wants perfection, i sometimes have no money, i shop like a woman.. i drive a car like a woman, i fight, i argue, i'm selfish, and i get jealous, at times my self esteem gets low, and at times i become too ambitious. i want to get married and i want to have babies. i like to travel and i have dreams to achieve success, wealth, happiness and everything i can gain for as long as i live. we all do, dont we? nobody wants to live in a rut, nobody wants to be unhappy, and secretly, im sure everyone wishes that money grows on trees.

but this is a side of juliana, that i want to share with the world. this a side of juliana that keeps me going on. this is a side of juliana. one side of juliana. brave, confident, loving and passionate. a promise i make to myself. no matter what this is who i'll always be.

p/s : i'll be away for a week in pulau perhentian. there's so much to love there, the beach especially, white sands, and of course the amazing underwater world.. so.. stay tuned! :)

walk the footsteps of a stranger

2005-05-16T11:21:00.000+08:00

the weekend has past.. again.. another new week to look forward to. i had a good weekend altogether. on sunday i worked in the morning til midafternoon then met up with two of my friends that i havent seen for ages. even that i almost passed out on it. but i had them caring enough for me to get myself out of the house for coffee. and we had a great time catching up on each other. we expressed and let go alot of things. being there for each other. its true what nell said, sometimes we work so hard and being so self critical that we seldom take time to let go.. and its easy to take things for granted knowing that one person will always be there.. but what if it's not that way.

i realized that i learn alot from others. its the only way. no amount of reading and soulsearching alone will do any good to me. sitting around wondering and hoping that things will change or happen is never the best way. taken from the song colors of the wind by vanessa williams ' but if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you learn things you never knew, you never knew ' . ponder upon those words and see if u can find the true meaning. i was driving with a friend a couple months back when he pointed out to me about this. and so i'd like to share it with you.

sharing among each other about experiences is the best thing i know i can do. peeling of the layer that surrounds me. slowly breaking the wall that at times suffocates me. accepting what others have, what others do. what i do, what i have, just as it is.

so now i clearly see, that the very existence of everything i have in my life is for a reason. every bad experience every good experience, every creature, every being, every pain, every joy, is for a reason, perhaps everyone knows that already. feelings are just feelings, emotions are just emotions, success is succes, joy is joy and love is love. friends and the people around me.. the sun the moon, the cat, the ant, the tree, the flower, the earth i walk on, each and everyone of them.. i thank you for all that u are.the best teachers in life :)

colours of the wind - vanessa williams

You think I'm an ignorant savage,
and you've been so many places,
I guess it must be so, but still I cannot see,
How the savage one is me, 

How can there be so much that you don't know,
You don't know,
You think you own whatever land you land on,
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim,

But I know every rock, and tree and creature,
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name,
You think the only people who are people,
Are the people who look and think like you,

But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger,
You learn things you never knew, you never knew,
Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?

Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain?
Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?
Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest,

Come taste the sun-sweet berries of the earth,
Come roll in all the riches all around you,
And for once, never wonder what they're worth,

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers,
The heron and the otter are my friends,
And we are all connected to each other,
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends,


How high does the sycamore grow?
If you cut it down, then you'll never know,
And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon,
whether we are white or copper-skinned,

Can you can sing with all the voices of the mountain?
Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?
You can own the Earth and still,
All you'll own is earth until,
You can paint ,with all the colours of the wind..

of whatever things

2005-05-13T09:44:00.000+08:00

do you think that my font size is too small? do you have any trouble reading it? hmm.. it kinda looks nice on my screen. but if no one can read it or finds it a bit difficult do tell me and i'll do something a bout it. so how's it been for you? the day the week. its nearly reaching the weekend. some may find it exciting. some may find it boring. its the same to me. well reason being is that i dont work during the weekdays. actually i do, but it's just not the normal 9-5.

i have absolutely no idea what to write about. this whole week i've been feeling a bit empty. its as if something's missing. but what? i wonder why. could it be pms? post menstrual stress? coz its definitely NOT pre menstrual stress this moment. you know, i've never really believed in this pms bullshit. ever since i was young. but of late its been getting to me. or perhaps i want to believe in it. haha why not.. blame it all on the cycle :)

well anyway, its time i pondered upon the beautiful world that i'm living in :) sex abuse, child abuse, rape, murder, animal extinction, pollution, bla bla bla bla bla bla... i could go on and on. but there's also love, ambitions , success, happy cheerful moments, beautiful beaches, exotic sunsets. i get a bit twisted thinking how one side of the world is at its worst moments, and the other side of the world, people are able to live life to the fullest.

so i take a moment to let it all in. syukur alhamdulillah i am at my best. and i hope you are too. there's a long list of complains or not enoughs but it's okay :)

so it is..

2005-05-09T13:37:00.000+08:00

listen to the track by damien rice in the movie closer

what did u do?

2005-05-06T17:01:00.000+08:00

have u ever felt so sad in your life.... and u wanted to cry.. but u know for a fact that its not suppose to really matter. has anyone ever unintentionally hurt u but didnt really mean to? what did u do then? did u lash out on them until it hurt them back.. or did u just smile and said it was ok? did u cry your heart out.. or did you just laughed out loud.?

have u ever hurt anyone in your life? have u ever messed things up? have u ever regretted doing the things you did? if u have.. why did u? and what did u do? did u patch things up? did u feel bad about it? did u even care?

sumtimes i find so much faults in others, that i rarely take a step to the side and mirror myself. how did i contribute to everything that happened in my life. was it up to me? its true perhaps, that i am responsible.. for every single event happening in my life.. every one is perhaps?

how can i blame.. though i must have sumtimes.. but how could i..

what did i do ? :)

in love and in trust

2005-05-05T19:52:00.000+08:00

a couple of days ago i went to see tentang dia by rudy soedjarwo . i missed the starting and i wonder how it went. but all in all i enjoyed the movie. there was this twist in the story line.. it was a bit different.. it made me realize what it means to trust and to love. 100 %

loving and trusting 100% is easy. well it's supposed to easy. but sometimes i find it so hard. and i wonder why.. and who suffers from it.. simply myself and those who love me unconditionally. but each day.. i live with it.. and i continue to trust.. to love.. accepting the world as it is.. and i succeed.. little by little i allow myself to experience each moment.. forgetting my past.. not worrying too much bout the future and living out the best in the moment.

but still some barriers will still be there.. i will still hit the wall.. the box.. my box.. until that day.. when i'm strong enough to break it all .... its a process that i'll continue to yearn for.. day by day..
step by step.. and i'll make it as beautiful as can be.. because i believe...

in love.. and in trust..

ramble bamble

2005-05-02T23:33:00.000+08:00

i remembered again today.. that i dont listen. or i give the excuse i forget to listen. what crap is that anyway? oh well.. selfish me with thoughts in my head.. i read somewhere.. that there was a reason why we have two ears and one mouth.. im getting into the mood where i think it's okay to just be okay. and i dont like being just okay.

another week to look forward to. whats going on for me. nothing much just the usual haywire of my crazy wacko stylo sometimes boring mundane routine. im in the mood for food. and today it's gotta be pizza. where's the best place to have pizza? id say picolo mondo ... if the cheque just came in... if not.. the ones they sell at hartamas sq is pretty good too! what makes a good pizza? for me.. its gotta be the base, the tomato herb sauce.. and the cheeeeessseee..

i cannot understand why we have tom yam pizza or even assam laksa... i am truly malaysian.. i love tomyam.. although i think that's from thailand rite? ok well i love assam laksa, rendang, curry and all.. but not on my pizza. kudos to pizza companies for wanting to be very malaysian.. but please... not ur pizza's. well im sure for some.. its yummie.. super duper yummie.. but not for me.. ok so it's a free country.. and anyone can do what they want..

but i'll just have pizza the way i always had it. one thing i will not change.. i cannot change.. yup.. i'm boring..

i'd like to have a regular pizza with coke please... oh misss.. would u like to try our tomyam pizza??? its verry verry nice... uhh.... uhh.. it's okay.. im sure it is..

my love

2005-04-30T16:21:00.000+08:00

okay.. so i'm getting a bit too excited... and the holiday is only 3 weeks from today.. sigh.. hence i busy myself with stuff.. workshops to attend.. abit of work here and there.. a couple of laughs... zillion minutes of love and lust.. should keep the days passing by real fast.

recently i got the great opportunity to attend the storytellers club love fest.. and i discovered again.. how small this world really is. the kind hearted yasmin ahmad.. director of highly acclaimed SEPET-- for those of you who still have not seen this movie.. u are so out of your mind!!.. well anyway.. dear yasmin kindly allowed us to view shunji iwai's love letter at the leo burnett theaterette yesterday everning. i've never seen the movie before and yesterday was my first time. for me.. it was one of those movies that i would keep my eyes glued to the screen. i wanted to see every move, every shot, hear every line--( well in this case.. read every line)-- wanted to just keep on watching.. and the ending.. was just so... good and sweet.. it reminded me of love.. hurt, jealousy, insecurity.. also.. amazing feelings, purity, sincerity..

i love romantic movies.. ever since i was small... i grew up learning all i could about what it takes to love.. but there was a point in my life in which i despised them.. in which i thought it was crap... it was all a lie... fake.. an image.. even the word love just didnt mean anything anymore. until a couple of months back.. i remembered to love again.. not just love as in a relationship.. but love.. universal love-- between man and woman, mother and child, the earth and the sky, life and death. love in all that i do.. its amazing when i think i of it.. doing everything out of love. kecik kecik dulu ingat love tu.. cinta.. kene cinta kat lelaki jer.. sbb tu la.. but now.. love is about everything that goes on in my life.. my love for what i do as a living, my love for the amazing man that i truly adore, my love for my family, my love for all around me and most importanly, my love for Allah.. for i am truly blessed.

to love.. to feel the light in my eyes shining bright.. the warmth of my heart.. the gentle tenderness i long to give.. the love.. that i have .. exists .. because of all that i have.. and all means everything.. that includes you...

and so i thank you...