the secret of the light that shines

Sometimes people would say to me

you are so lucky

you are so happy

you are very positive

and then sometimes people would say to me

you are so romantic

your life is filled with colours

you are such a dreamer

and there would be some people who questions me as such

how do you get by life

how do you think the way you do

how do you keep yourself happy

and all these makes me wonder, am i really showing all of these examples...

i wasnt born with all these traits, but throughout my living years i have learned that this is who i want to be, and who i can be.

experience and knowledge will form a person's characteristics. what you go through in life makes a difference. in many ways i have been lucky. being lucky does not mean that i was always happy. living through sad days, and learning how to get through it makes you realize the real meaning of happiness. you treasure and you'll care for it more. we all have different experiences in life. some greater than others, and some, to the very worst. yes a bad past can affect the future, but there are choices to be made such that you have a bright future in your hands. what you do today, is the one that matters most, for it creates the energy passed on to tomorrow.

you can buy a degree these days i heard. but you cannot buy knowledge. you can earn your knowledge from all that surrounds you , and it helps most from what you read. i am grateful that my mom had taught me how to read from an early age. i was greatly influenced by the Peter and Jane Ladybird series. from which i learned how to read very fast.

my wild imagination filled with rainbows and colours and delicious ice creams were introduced by none other than Enid Blyton. she taught me the beauty of kindness, magic, fairies and the notion that dreams can come true to the good children. while the naughty ones would stay in bed feeling ill all day, the good ones would go on living their lives joyfully.


i stopped reading for a while, maybe a few years. i felt my soul drying out. i had nothing to live on. it was at that time, i picked up a book that changed my life. a book by Paulo Coelho. It has been known how he's transformed millions of lives, and im proud to be one of them. it is possible that love can brighten your pathway and that the magic of your soul can do wonders.

the list goes on and im proud to share some of the readings that has affected the way i see, live and breathe.

how to be lovely - the audrey hepburn way of life

rules of life

the yoga of love

rumi - the book of love

-------------------------

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living.

Bertrand Russell

what you want is what you get

at the end of every year, we tend to look back in the past and wonder if we had made it a good year, count our blessings and begin to make plans for the new year ahead. from before i had always whined and complained that i didnt do enough.. that i could have done more. i counted sorrows instead of blessings. and even if i achieved at least half of my goals, i did not fully embrace my achievements and naturally find faults blaming my surroundings. until about a few years back, did i learn how to accept personal growth in a lighter mode.

year after year i would tell myself, that its okay, if it doesnt happen now, it will at some point in my life, if its meant to be, if its my destiny, it will come to me. in these years of my life, i lived my life. day after day, doing the things i loved most, spending time with the people i loved most, and that made me truly happy.

it is possible to fall into the trap of wanting so much in life, especially when we look at the people around us, when they have what we dont have, and they look happy. in a split second we think, that if we have the same, we'd be happy too. we get lost in that circle trying to achieve all of that, when in the first place, it might not even be what we really want.

what we really want lies in the deepest of our hearts. a few lucky people may recognize this easily and manage to live their lives to the fullest achieving their desires, but the ones that get lost in the circle of life, may struggle to find what they are looking for. for the struggling ones, trust me for i had crossed this path before, if you can clear your mind and your heart, be honest with yourself and accept you for who you are, you will find your answer.

at the beginning of year 2008, i had made a promise to myself, that in this year, i would remain positive at most times if not all, that i would complain less, and embrace the joy of life with a touch of spontaneity, filling it with much passion and love.

and what a year it had been for me.

for the first time, i look back in the past year, with a big smile on my face. that year, was my year. with much love and passion that surrounded me, i could not have asked for more.

so now, i tell myself, what's in for 2009?

me being me, i have my lists and plans...whether it becomes a reality, or merely a fantasy, we really just have to wait and see.

what i learned from the man in my life is that the unexpected joy that comes from what is not in the plan is the ingredient that will add spark and much delight to life. so i realize, that what you can achieve in a day is a reason to smile , and the smile that comes from within the happy soul, is the one that keeps me flying high.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

could this be love

this is my second nephew taufiq aris 5 years old



a conversation we both had months ago that brings much light in my heart...

me : taufiq.. love tu ape.. [ what is love ]

taufiq : mm ... cinta...

me : cinta? cinta tu ape?

taufiq : cinta tu ... is like you and pelle

me : haha.. me and pelle ... what do you mean?

taufiq : like you and pelle [ lah ]

me : are you in love

taufiq : ( shyly ) yes

me : really?? with who?

taufiq : Lim Lit Zee

me : isn't she the girl at your old school.. tapi you kan dah lama tak jumpa dia [ but you've not seen her for so long..]

taufiq : takpe lah.. [ that's okay ]

me : hmmm.. so what do people do when they are in love?

taufiq : they get married

me : oooohh... and then?

taufiq : and then they have a baby [ lah ]



---------------------------------------------

this is my first nephew thaqif aris



i found out recently from a friend about the conversation she had with him.

thaqif : kakak L ... do you like Z

kakak L : yeah...

thaqif : Z .. do you like kakak L

Z : mm... yeah...

thaqif : do you love kakak L

Z : mmm... yes...

thaqif : kakak L.. if you love Z, then u must marry him. then you will be happy like aunty E. aunty E is so happy now with uncle Pelle .

how did i find out about this?


i received an sms from my friend earlier today, a wedding invitation and a thank you note to my nephew for his precious advice that i believe will probably make a great significance in her life.

i was wondering what could my 8 year old nephew say to kakak L

i was down to tears when i heard what my friend had to tell me...

to know that the greatest moments of my life touches the youngest of hearts. to know that the love i have flowing in my soul flows in the innoncence of young children. and to realize that it does make a difference to people, even if only to kakak L .... [ heartiest congratulations to kakak L )


kepada hanis zalikha [ saya ada gambar cool macam ni jugak dengan kawan baik saya )

there's much much more that i am willing to share, as i embark on this neverending journey and as much as i know it makes so much difference in my life, i truly hope it does to all around me .

life begins with love
so spread your wings and fly
guide your spirit safe and sheltered
a thousand dreams that we can still believe

[celine dion]

this love

Juliana Ibrahim photographed by Anna Rina Rahim

Your love lifts my soul from the body to the sky
And you lift me up out of the two worlds
I want your sun to reach my raindrops
So your heat can raise my soul upward like a cloud..

RUMI

ditch the green eyed monster

green eyed monster : a feeling of anger or unhappiness because somebody you like or love is showing interest in somebody else : jealousy:

It was my daddy who taught me how not to be jealous. Those endless conversations that started off with tears yet ended all fears.

Envy and jealousy can be a deadly sin, a powerful human obsession. In fact it destroys almost all possible relationships when it comes to life in the heart and soul. People who are envious and jealous of one another often never lead a happy life. They become miserable and can never be at peace.

When I was in my early twenties, the feeling of being insecure in this great big world would make me green with envy. I sometimes wished I could be more than I could be when threatened with anything that's better than me. Perhaps this is a slight exaggeration, for I never became angry but always feeling sorry for myself leaving me unsettled with a mountain of pity that i climbed with no one.

Since my life was revolved in finding my true love, at that time, i was often jealous in one area of my life. My relationships.

I remember asking my daddy once when i was very very young ( mind you i was not 16 but perhaps a sweet age of 20 )...

" Abah, Why do I get jealous? "

" Perhaps you are insecure. What makes you jealous? "

" When he looks at other women? Why does he do that? When they are more beautiful, and taller and more more more... "

" So what can you do? Close his eyes? It is a man's nature to look at beautiful women. If you dont like it, take a hankerchief and cover his eyes"

" But I want to be beautiful too!!! "

*end of conversation.

It takes a lot to be confident and secure of how we feel about ourselves. Many people feel jealous and envy for something they are not or cannot be. The truth is we are the way we are. And in relationships, we can never be another person for the person we love, we cannot make people love us, they either do or they dont. If they do , great, and if they dont , they dont. The most important thing we can do is learn to truly love ourselves.

When we start to compete and compare ourselves with another in an unhealthy manner, jealousy might arise but if we believe in the beauty that we each have and keep ourselves unique in everyway, we know that we are one of a kind, irreplaceable and therefore there is no need a reason to be jealous of anything.

This theory probably applies the same in any area of our lives be it in our jobs, our community, our friends.. I feel that It's okay to want to be better, but not when the intention comes from jealousy and you want to be better than another. Worse, if you dont even bother to be better but all you do is try to make another fall, and it most jealous cases this is what happens.

It took me a long time to truly learn and understand the matter.

With the work that I do, I've known many people who fall in this trap. I've heard many stories of how people would stab each other's back just to be where they want to be. And probably not just in the entertainment world, even in the corporate world filled with professional rats. It would be easy for me to be jealous of anyone, but I've always reminded myself that I can never be another but only remain the way I am, improve on certain matters and maintain my authentic self and unique capabilities.

One fine day, I met a wonderful man, a truly wonderful, joyous and happy man . Together we started to share wonderful beautiful moments together despite a 7000 miles distance loving one another.

If i had not learned " HOW NOT TO BE JEALOUS ", if i had not gone through many enriching experiences in my life so i could stay confident and happy and truly learn to love myself, our relationship might not survive not matter how strong the love can be.

Nowadays, just to be sure, I ask my daddy again,

" Daddy, how come, I am not so jealous like before? I love him a lot, more than anyone can ever imagine but some how I am more peaceful, and calm and perhaps not too overly sensitive... but why? How come ? "

to which he replied,

" I think you've grown up "

(Juliana Ibrahim photographed by Anna Rina Rahim)

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. " - Jennifer James

i found my wonderland

I didnt feel so nice that i've been away too long with no updates whatsoever. From my previous writings i often tell stories of my hopes and dreams and how i plan to acheive it, with all the love in my heart. And for the longest time, my highest dreams finally came true. What happens next when dreams come true.. what happens next when you start living your dream..

Now i sit in my self created wonderland thinking of what to do, say, write and tell. Well to begin with, ive been away not only in my blogsphere world, but also away from the hustle bustle of citylife here in Kuala Lumpur. I flew off on a 12 hour flight to 'the wonderland' where my life was surrounded with new people and new experiences.



In Amsterdam, I found my wonderland :)

with the children i played

with the family, i ate

from bitterballen,

to pancakes and delicious ijsje (ice-cream)

ijs and ijs and more ijs

despite the cool weather where summer was just coming to an end... i stil managed to have fun in the sun.

watching him play his favourite game, scoring his favourite goals.

i am his no 1 fan. and he is mine :)

its a different feeling altogether when you're in a different country especially where people speak a different language. but the one language we all speak the same, is the language of love, where you speak straight from the heart. communication is never a problem, almost everyone speaks English all over the world, but even when they dont, human has often always been able to communicate no matter what. with laughter and smiles, and tears that come from fears, we are able to understand each other for as long as we listen with our ears as we reach out to each other's heart.

now im back , living my life and my dream still, but that's another story to tell. its always nice to be away, to learn new things and make new friends and be with the people you've just learned to love, but its also nice to be back from where you came from.

my wonderland is just a 12 hour flight away, and i look forward to it again :)

In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridge - Hans Nouwens

living the dance

i do admit that i am an ardent fan of self help books and anything motivational or even inspiring. that includes Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture, of which i had fallen into tears as I reached the end. not so much tears of sadness, but of being greatly inspired, and touched to the very depth of my heart. this entry however is not about Randy. It is about The Dance, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

a few years ago, i laid my eyes upon this book at our local bookstore MPH. Not knowing who she was, or what the book was about, I picked it up. It could have been the title that had ignite my interest, and so when i flipped through the pages I found myself a beautiful poem that probably were my soul's secret words. its what i've ever wanted and dreamed of, and carefully , it had been written by this powerful woman, who held workshops, inspiring people in achieving their dreams. not only that, oriah carefully shared her experiences through every excerpt of the poem.

so this poem , it is not my words, but its what i've been feeling . i lived with it, with such high hopes and sincere prayers that I will be able to in the end , live it. it is amazing how, our thoughts become what we can grasp and hold.

i later learned that the invitation had been written, prior to the dance.

the invitation has been accepted, and the call has been answered.. now, i am truly living the dance.

photo courtesy of Matthew

The Dance

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiralling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle
not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer


You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life - J. Krishnamurti, Indian Philosopher