picking up the pieces

i grew up with a heart that wanted to love the whole world. it was great.. at times it was very painful.. some other moments i felt numb. at one point in my life. i decided to give up on my heart. i decided to give up on my feelings. i separated my emotions and lived a cold unhappy life. i became selfish, i became the most self centered person anyone could know, i became cold, i was lost, drifiting away in non special moments, and made life miserable for those around me.

but one day.. i decided to pick up the pieces of broken little me. it was tough and difficult. because i had broken myself into very little pieces, i was everywhere. and sometimes i couldnt find the pieces to fit myself back. at times i almost gave up. because it was just too hard. along the way, i was guided to find these broken pieces. there was a lot of people who supported me, who never once, gave up on me no matter what.

and i thought to myself. even others dont give up on me. why am i giving up on myself. why torture my own self ? and then. i had a 180 degrees change of mind. i continued my search. but with a different outlook. i felt excited, i felt eager, looking for these broken pieces became a challenge instead. and the search goes on.. even until today.

and everytime i find a piece of myself, there's a sigh of relief. a beautiful moment that i share and celebrate with everyone around me. sometimes, i blind myself. i pretend not to find that piece. i deny that its my piece. then i think again, why deny me? and so i turn to acceptance, accepting that little piece that perhaps i hate so much. sometimes i blind myself again, and i have people around me, who found my special piece, and i am ever so grateful for such moments in my life.

and then one day. i found all the pieces to my heart. and that was was a moment in my life that i would never ever forget. because of that day.. i am truly blessed. from time to time, my heart will break, again, because this is life, where nothing is perfect, but because of that special day.. i will never ever again.. give up on my heart.

im still looking for my other pieces. i'll look forever, until there's no tomorrow to look for. because... my life is a jigsaw puzzle... a big one.. putting it all together until i breathe my last breathe. and to those around me, i'd like to acknowledge u for being a part of my jigsaw puzzle. i thank u.

the light of my life

wow... it seems like its been ages since i wrote in here. havent been too busy.. but it's been a habit to put things off till tomorrow. the next thing i know.. tomorrow has turned to days and weeks. but really.. there are just some things in life, i create the commitment to do it there and then.. can't wait any longer just have to do it right now!!!! :)

i sometimes like to think so much of my past and my future.. i rarely spend time.. enjoying my present moments. this makes life difficult for me.. so from time to time.. i remind myself, about NOW. Friends and loved ones.. they always remind me too.. that at times.. one needs to sit back and relax and give a pat on the back.

the past few weeks.. i've been taking each day, each moment at a time. ok i'll be honest.. at times i actually give my self 5 minutes to dream about the future.. well anyway, the days have just simply passed by so quickly. suddenly there's just so much to be done. so i guess it matters, that i live my life each day.. creating moments that are special to me and to those around me.

in the past few weeks.. i've been rather fulfilled.. i had a hair cut, i went for a shopping spree, i got 2 new jobs, i seldom came back late which made my parents quite happy, i spent lots of time with my family, im having the best relationship with my sister at the moment, my sweetheart and i have come to terms that though our ideas and opinions on certain matters in life are from 2 different ends of the world, we still love each other and will pull through no matter what... my girlfriends are the best any girl could ask for.. my bestfriends i know will be there for a shoulder to cry on.. and yes.. crying my heart out is the best way to kill my sorrows and get back on my feet.

i thank the merciful God who never fails to guide me to the brightest path. the road can be so dark at times, but one can do.. is look up to sky, treasure the sun, treasure the moon, the stars, and pray to Him... which allows me to gain the strength and keep on looking for that light.

to kill a mocking bird

it was approximately 3.34pm. i had a late lunch and was heading back home, very sleepy indeed. it was drizzling in subang. but the rain had cleared when i reached shah alam. glad that i was just minutes away. dreaming of my comfy bed. just couldnt wait. i could see birds flying. happily. 50 meters more and BAMMM!!!! it happened. or was it more of a . DUKK!!!

i hit a bird. DUKK!! on my windscreen. did i? did i kill it? i continued driving while looking at my rear mirror. oh shit.. its still alive. but it's not flying. i could see the bird panting its last few breaths. oh dear. what do i do. i reversed my car.. and got out of the car. oh dear. its breathing. but its dying. oh dear. what do i do.

i went in to the car. drove into the driveway.. and screamed..... BIBIKKK!!! WASIAHHHH!!! Wasiah come running with a baby.. my brother's. Wasiah.... baby langgar burung!!! Jom jom pegi tengok!!! (Wasiah.. i hit a bird... come lets go and see). I took the baby from her. as we both ran to the bird. It wasnt breathing as fast as it did earlier. infact it didnt move very much. slowy Wasiah picked up the bird and brought it back home. a few minutes later.. it stopped breathing.. and by then nothing could have been done.and so we buried the bird.

minutes later... more birds came around.. chirping. probably paying respect and mourning the death of a beloved friend.

this may seem quite funny.. but it breaks my heart to see it die. how could i have killed the bird. who would have thought that i would kill a bird today. sigh. happy thoughts to think of for tomorrow.