Tuesday, October 17, 2006


be like the flowing river
silent in the night
be not afraid of the dark
if there are stars in the sky, reflect them back
if there are clouds in the sky
remember, clouds, like the river, are water
so gladly reflect them too
in your own tranquil depths

manuel bandeira

as usual i was rushing through my lines. i tend to speed through either my dialogues, or what ever host links that i have to do. and yes i realize i make no sense or even no connection what so ever when that happens. but i do it anyway unconsciously but consciously that im doing it like 5 secs after. and whenever ping says.. remember to pause for a while.. i just dont seem to really listen.. but until he said.. remember to pause for a bit.. you're very afraid of pauses.. dont be afraid, it got me thinking.

although he meant it literally reagarding my lines, i as usual had taken it as more than just feedback. its true u know.. im the kind that does everything fast paced. i talk fast, i breathe fast, i drive fast when i can , as much as my lil red mini car (no.. not THE MINI COOPER) can take, i eat quite fast too and in between all of that, i do what ever i can every second, every minute, every hour till i cant take more and just either fall asleep or fall in space. more of the latter of course.

and yes.. i can be afraid of pauses. empty space in time.

so when i had shed some tears again during the dead body pose in class today. i knew why. no, im not sad, neither am i unhappy. its only because that's the only time i ever get to really, totally relax, mind body and soul, a time where i can truly let go and surrender, to pause and breathe. 3 minutes of that just makes my day. its true you know.. not like some yoga crap u read on those ads... but of course.. u need to have a good instructor, and the one i have, is the best that one can have.

so im a bit weird.. and i cry.. sometimes :)

if I just breathe
let it fill the space between
i'll know everything is alright
every little piece of me
you'll see
everything is alright
if I just breathe

breathe - michelle branch

Saturday, October 07, 2006

bits and pieces of this and that, here and there

God gives us chances. lots of chances. everytime one door closes. another opens. u lose some u win some. you fall down.. and then u get back on your feet ready to move on. u realize, that its no big deal after all. really is it? what if the door doesnt open anymore? what is someone threw out the key? and what if when u fall u really really fall.. and u cant get up? i read somewhere.. i think its one of those jars with little quotes folded in it, a gift from a friend, couple of years back.. it says.. always look out for the rainbow after the rainy day.. and i guess if you're lucky.. there might be a pot of gold waiting for you on the other side :)

The other side.. we like to think that the grass on the other side, is greener.. perhaps it is greener, but what if.. greener doesnt make it better?

thaqif .. my eldest nephew has a dance performance at a mall in shah alam today. he looks happy. smiling from ear to ear. and i think he's graduating from kindergarten today...wonder what they've taught him and if they've taught him well. im sure they did.

i've grown up believing that... there is always something better, always.. will be.. and to be honest, im tired.. it beats the hell of me trying to keep up with better.. im tired of better. im tired of more.. but... i wont stop craving for it. and i'll always be tired of it.. because.. it can be really tiring.. but its what i live for.. cant just throw better away now can i :)

my space grows bigger as the day passes by.. and those tiny leaking holes, that sometimes empty me.. i'll be sure to fix it up.. plaster it with cold hard cement or some thing like that.. decorate it with pink and red hearts perhaps.

there are secrets that we still have left to find
there have been mysteries from the beginning of time
there are answers we're not wise enough to see

five for fighting [the riddle]

Thursday, October 05, 2006

wish i was this.. and wish i had that... and this is all i have and perhaps all that i need

my thoughts are a bit jumbled up. and therefore im not sure what this is going to be a bout. not yet. responsibility. mm that's a big word. procrastination. another big word. i remember my younger days in school "remember girl.. it is your responsibility to finish your homework before you come to class" obviously i lost true meaning of it.. as i remember being sickly scared that i had totally forgotten to do it. and that was because.. i procrastinated. "takpelah.. kejap lagi baby buat la mommy" and my kejap lagi was nowhere to be seen as i played around day dreaming of what my life would be like singing que sera sera what will be will be. 2 weeks later came the lesson on procrastination.. and the famous procrastination is the thief of time.

and the reason for this is beause i simply have been procrastinating my entries.. oh well :) better late than never.

sunday morning was cheery.. wait.. its almost friday. oh well... its nice to reminisce on days u felt so good. where the sun was shining, birds chirping, and it was sunday morning. with a wake up call from the yoga instructor, i was set for yoga. yes it felt like a yoga day. and here you'll see yogi me trying to be. my 2nd class, and i was prepared, to be in painand to know that 3 days later i'll still be in pain. and on days like this.. i wish... i was like the yoga instructor. [check out her page and u'll know what i mean ]

i've learned that we cant all be what we want to be. well not all at one time at least. but we can definitely work towards it.

so.. yeah i get to tell stories on tv.. . i go on set, at a location, ready to shoot and have a bumble jumble load of fun...like yoga, less pain .. and just like this :)

and so i've learned, that i have so many wants, and so many needs [notice the order of importance]. and at times i wonder.. what if the one thing i wanted most, or needed most, is not the one, i want or the one i need. that caught me thinking for a while. and that has left me in a confused state of mind.

so i shall not stop and i shall not surrender. not just yet. even if it means that i've got to yogi my way through it. i shall not falter.

some dreams live on in time forever
those dreams, you want with all your heart
and Ill do whatever it takes
follow through with the promise I made
put it all on the line
what I hoped for at last would be mine

reach - gloria estafan