spidey here i come

last weekend i made an attempt to rockclimb. indoor rock climbing. that was fun!! :) it was really tough actually for me. one needs alot of strength and engergy to get u going up. but the feeling of being up there was simply amazing :) thank you baby.. it would not happen if it weren't for you :)

the power of love

its funny but my dad loves sending me to work and picking me up later in the evening. it seems to be a joy for him to be able to do such a thing for his beloved daughter. and i've just realized that the conversations we've shared has been mostly just about me.. my life, my job, my relationship, my friends, my bank account.. ME. maybe 2 out of 10 times i probably did ask .. how are u abah? rather selfish i think. see i'm really close to my dad. we talk alot at home, in the car.. never on the phone.. (he's not a phone guy) we've laughed, we've fought, i've cried, he kept quiet.

parents love it when we do things their way. most often i dont want to do it their away. because i'm not really them. i have my own set of mind. and i believe the values they've taught me would allow me to make the best decisions at any given time. and if i ever did make a mistake.. id learned from it. but its because they love me too much.. that they would never ever wanna see me get hurt, or even dissappointed. so where do i draw the line, between making them happy, or making myself happy :)

and no matter how bad i've been, how rude i've been, how dissappointing i've been, or hey.. u know.. being good, getting good grades, some achievements that they just refuse to acknowledge just because they fear i'd get it over my head and start thinking 'hey im all that'.. its funny how they will never turn their backs on me.. its feels so good and safe to know that they love me no matter what...

and so for no reason at all.. my dad got a kiss on his shoulder this evening as i said eeeeeeee i love you!! :) and dearest mommy got a huge smile from me as i told her how amazing it is that she makes and effort to do all the things she loves doing.. ( she makes quilts actually.. since last year) and that im very proud of her...

and its little things like this... that counts :)

bare necessities

i had made a point today to be different. to act differently. see things differently. i took a quiet moment to recognize all that i have. and there's no reason to be angry, or upset, or dissappointed in absolutely anything. it probably has been that way only that i chose not to believe in it.

but as usual, i can never stop questioning myself or anyone with some of the necessities of life. today its about beauty products and cosmetics. is it worth it enough to spend a lot of money on things like this. brands like chanel, mac, bobbi brown, estee lauder. are they really in to make us look good or is it just another branding gimmick.

i have been one of those who has been bought by these branding gimmicks. an avid fan of 'supposedly high quality cosmetics and skin care' i find it hard to believe that all of these are needed in my life. leonard drake tells me that it is essential for me to do my facial at least twice everymonth. and for every visit, that would cost me a walloping RM200 just for facial ... and that does not include products that we 'supposedly need to use' and yet as my dad bluntly puts it "how come u still dont have flawless skin?" do i listen to him? does my heart falter wondering why it's not really working? no.. faithfully i contribute each month to the fork raking money making company.

so maybe its not them.. maybe i just dont drink enough water... but its not fair.. at the age of 59, my mom, has better skin then me.. what's her secret i ask? "take care of your skin" "wash cleanse tone moisturize" hey i could read that from a magazine and mummy dearest, i've been doing that for the past 10 years and it doesnt seem to work!!

so i give up.. maybe its time for 'clean and clear' 2 weeks later and it seems even worse than before... miss christy from leonard drake says " aaa misss... ur skin very sensitive and very oilyy, so all the pores are clogged up. maybe ur skin care is NOT non - comodegenic. you must try our product it IS non-comodegenic. ahh.. so i continue to spend having high hopes that there's much to get from all of this. hey maybe i'll start using SKII facial treatment essence to.. so i'll have crystal clear skin like award winning actress QIQI or malaysia's own deanna yusoff :)

and when i look back, its these little pleasures in life that makes me want to work wo hard. hey.. a facial, great skin care and beauty products, every woman's best friend :)

some think its worth it.. some think its not.. which one are u? :)

p/s : those leonard drake gurls are quite nice actually.. and extremely talented in helping you empty your purse :) lots of love...

let go and relax.. u'll do just fine :)

i have a problem with letting go. letting go the moment that has just past by. letting go the fact that i cannot simply know everything. letting go the fact that some things are just not meant for me to know.letting go the fact that im not like anyone else and that my individuality will stand out if i just stick to being me.. its like one moment im going through a situation.. and then.. suddenly its over.. and i simply forget the experience. 5 minutes later i go ... ' i should have done that' or ' what if '

that's not good u see.. well i feel its not. in a relationship.. i doubt myself and others. its like i always have this feeling that.. it might not work out.. he probably doesnt even like me.. what more.. love me.. ohh.. i sound so pathetic. when i go for my auditions .. its even worse.. even before i start saying a word.. i already know im going to be bad.. and while im saying whatever im saying.. things like.. oh shit im saying the wrong things go through my mind.. and when its over.. i go.. shitt... what the hell did i do? and i spend my time in the car.. reciting the words over and over again.. the way my mind says i think i should :P and when i go out.. half the time i worry about the way i look.. there goes my secret :)

its sooo easy for me to tell my self hey relax.. u'll do just fine.. hey relax.. im sure he loves u.. hey relax.. just relax... why is it so hard to be relaxed then?

starting out

i have been given my first assignment by the visitor. ooh im excited!! you're probably wondering what.. will keep u updated soon!! :)

of nothing in particular

wow.. i cannot believe its been so long since i've written anything. was there nothing to write about? or have i been busy.. or have i not been making time for my blog or perhaps even for myself. i would say i have been through some fortunate and unfortunate series of events. nevertheless i have no regrets. i may share some bits and pieces here and there. not all in one writing though.. its a balance of bitter and sweet here and there.

i took a break from work and went for a holiday. it was really fun. i went to the beach. i loveeeee beaches. there's this warm feeling that gushes through my soul everytime i sit down on the sand facing the open sea.

the coming of new year looked pretty heavenly from where i was on the 31st of december 2005. i was away on a beautiful island. the water was clear blue. waves were splashing around. and there were stars bright up in the sky. it was too good to be true. i faced the open sea and noticed that i had a lot for me to look forward too... yet at that moment i felt lost. i felt scared. 2006.. another year... what's it gonna be like this time? 2005 was good.. a lot went on for me and i felt relieved that i had lived each day almost to the fullest doing exactly all that i had wanted to do...

so what's it going to be like this year.. more things to do. new things to learn. more love to give. i am pressure by my own little self to do better this year. to make the most out of it. after all i do only have just one life. i found out a couple of weeks back that my directer mr ng ping ho reads my blog. now i feel really conscious about it. i have this voice that tells me i need to excel in everything that i do. that i cannot make mistakes. that its embarassing to look stupid. how ever i do realize that.. id never learn anything if i dont make mistakes..

its not so easy writing now.. i think im all over everywhere. i know i need to snap out of it and focus.. i'll try again.. in a couple of minutes.. hugs people.. im back :)