Saturday, April 30, 2005

my love

okay.. so i'm getting a bit too excited... and the holiday is only 3 weeks from today.. sigh.. hence i busy myself with stuff.. workshops to attend.. abit of work here and there.. a couple of laughs... zillion minutes of love and lust.. should keep the days passing by real fast.

recently i got the great opportunity to attend the storytellers club love fest.. and i discovered again.. how small this world really is. the kind hearted yasmin ahmad.. director of highly acclaimed SEPET-- for those of you who still have not seen this movie.. u are so out of your mind!!.. well anyway.. dear yasmin kindly allowed us to view shunji iwai's love letter at the leo burnett theaterette yesterday everning. i've never seen the movie before and yesterday was my first time. for me.. it was one of those movies that i would keep my eyes glued to the screen. i wanted to see every move, every shot, hear every line--( well in this case.. read every line)-- wanted to just keep on watching.. and the ending.. was just so... good and sweet.. it reminded me of love.. hurt, jealousy, insecurity.. also.. amazing feelings, purity, sincerity..

i love romantic movies.. ever since i was small... i grew up learning all i could about what it takes to love.. but there was a point in my life in which i despised them.. in which i thought it was crap... it was all a lie... fake.. an image.. even the word love just didnt mean anything anymore. until a couple of months back.. i remembered to love again.. not just love as in a relationship.. but love.. universal love-- between man and woman, mother and child, the earth and the sky, life and death. love in all that i do.. its amazing when i think i of it.. doing everything out of love. kecik kecik dulu ingat love tu.. cinta.. kene cinta kat lelaki jer.. sbb tu la.. but now.. love is about everything that goes on in my life.. my love for what i do as a living, my love for the amazing man that i truly adore, my love for my family, my love for all around me and most importanly, my love for Allah.. for i am truly blessed.

to love.. to feel the light in my eyes shining bright.. the warmth of my heart.. the gentle tenderness i long to give.. the love.. that i have .. exists .. because of all that i have.. and all means everything.. that includes you...

and so i thank you...

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

island in the sun

imagine the perfect holiday... the beach, the sun, the moon, the stars.. blissful romance.. aahhh.. u know what.. i'm such a dreamer.. ahh but i make my dreams come true.. or should i say.. i attempt to make them come true... not all at once though. the only thing about me is that i love complicating matters.. puzzling and juggling .. an hour's work could become more than that... any one heard of the term.. mental masturbation ? aah.. that's juliana.. you know the feeling of thinking too much.. and doing nothing or making slow careful steps to make things happen.. aaahh.. that's juliana..

so i plan a holiday.. let me correct that.. i plan a perfect holiday.. which comes back to the question what is perfect? well anyway... what was i going to say.. hmm.. you know what...

im going for a holidayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!yippieeee!!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

smile upon the moon's bitchy world out there.. as much love as i try to spread.. me alone is not enough. but i go on.. yup i know it's not enough. but what is enough. i have finally accepted the fact that there is not such thing as enough. it will never be enough. there's always more and more. but before i saw it as.. oh dear..*frown* what else can i do what else should do. is it enough? *frown* but now.. i see it as.. oh great!!!! now i can move on to something else.. it'll never be enough.. so lets just enjoy.. every single moment. fuck alot things sometimes... moments when i feel the world is against me.. its enough to trip me and make me fall... but seeing the joy on fu's face, hearing the chuckle of my nephews, a smile from my dad, my whole family by my side, my friends laughing along with me, money in the bank aha!! :) how can i be angry to the world that i thought was against me. life's full of shit i say.. same shit.. different day.. but.. it's all not that bad.. look upon the sky.. its blue. at night if u're lucky u see stars.. and when u see the moon.. smile. just as she's smiling back to you.

Monday, April 18, 2005

i want you to dance

last weekend i went to a flea market and saw this book. it's actually a book about a song.. by lee ann womack i hope u dance. the title was attractive enough for me to pick it up. i've been looking at life recently like a dance.. u know.. swaying and gliding and sliding through everything i've been through.. all different types of dances.. not mentioning that i've always wished i was a dancer.. well now i am.. a dancer of life :) well anyway back to the subject... this book.. was like an explanation to the song.. an insight.. a deeper meaning although it's quite clear enough.. i'd like to share the song with you.. i have the lyrics. this song reminded me of who i can be. i tend to forget sometimes you see. :)

p/s : but i dont want to hope.. i want you to dance.

to each and everyone... my song to you by lee ann womack-- i hope u dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.

I hope you dance.

Friday, April 15, 2005

chuckle inside

some people call it waking up on the wrong side of the bed. u know.. one of those days when nothing right really comes your way. or so i thought. when i felt empty. something's missing but what. i've constantly maintained my-oh-what-a-wonderful-world-this-is-and-nothing-can-mess-my-life. and then one day i wake up and i feel like shit. but it is true.. this truly is a wonderful world and nothing can mess my life... except ME!

but oh like i care.. lets just pour it all here, get done with it. and move on for tomorrow. but what if there's no tomorrow.. what if it all ends.. now! well.. for i said earlier like i care.. the more i sit down and think about it.. my minutes my seconds, my hours... they just get shorter. day by day by day..

this was the day like.sun shining bright... hot.. greatt!! then... gloomy, rainy, dark. and how have i been responsible for having a day like this. it started out with me going to the national registration department to renew my identity card--- yes!! the one where i had this bigg mushroom hairdo many many years back, to the supposedly-great-invention of the new elctronic identity card better known as mykad. bloody hell i tell u.. had to wait there for hours.. and when the time came.. u had to like register then move to another counter where you would have your photo taken. ahh me the camera freak! so i sat, getting excited.. and worried.. will i look okay? i have after all waited for hours oh whatever... and the photographer.. well its actually just a guy who sits behind the counter and says nothing but clicks on a button to have ur photo taken.. he said nothing as i sat on the chair.. looked in front and smiled.. but nothing happened... and inside i go like.. what's happening.. what do i do now.. smile? for how long? and just as i was about to open up my mouth.. to say something... CLICK!!! KERCCHEEKK!! gone was the moment.. the moment where i was supposed to smile.. and be happyy!!!! crash boom bang.. tiddle dee dum...

its okay.. lets meet up with a girlfriend.. have coffee.. gossip abit.. laugh.. chuckle haha hee hee.. and then.. conversations in my head.. ohh.. it's such a long drive.. well i'll live in shah alam u see.. driving to midvalley during peak hours especially on a rainy may not be such a good idea..

so i have something to eat.. blablablablablabla yadayadayadayada.. okay lets call up ms jaja binx.. one of my gurlies.. a 3 minute phone call which happened to be more than just 3 minutes.. much much more.. and approximately at 8.50 pm.. while i'm writing this and bitching bout my oh so boring day.. i just realized that i had miss watching something on tv which i had waited all day all week. have u ever had that? u wait one whole day for a moment.. and suddenly u realize later.. that.. u forgot.. like a tv show.. or whatever.. u wanted to watch it.. u waited.. but for a split second u forgot.. and then.. it's over...

imagine ur life... u wait.. and u wait and wait somemore.. then just as it comes along.. u hear a voice.. someone calling you from far.. and u look back.. and within that split second.. u lose that moment.. ok lets cut the crap..

i'm off to love. hugs and kisses everyone.. the moon is calling out to me.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

dance with me

when i think of all the beautiful things in life i'd like to do or make happen.. i know i wouldnt have enough pen and paper to list them all. and so i stuff them all in to my brain , wishin and hopin they would all come true. until it hit me straight in the face... wishes and hopes dont make things come to reality.. so i start being beautiful and do all those beautiful stuff i said i wanted.. hence, i get a beautiful life.

what's a beautiful life? is perfect beautiful? is looking great all the time beautiful? having all the nice dresses, nice shoes, nice bags, nice places to go.. is that beautiful? what's nice? who defines nice, beautiful, great, wonderful? there's a yes and no to that i say..

my beautiful life is filled with ups and downs, with happy moments and sad miseries. if i didnt understand the meaning of sadness, i wouldnt know what it would be like to feel happy. if there were no wars, i wouldnt understand the meaning of peace. if i didnt fall out of love.. i would never truly appreciate the great love that comes my way.

to run and laugh in the park. go for boat rides. read a book. take a walk on the beach, sing a song, eat lots of chocolate, strawberries and cream, call a girlfriend, cook lunch for my dad, go shopping with my sister, go for dinner with the whole family, laugh a lot, smile even more, loving a loved one with all my heart, do some charity, being happy, being fulfilled. but having just all of these, or even more does not sum up to what i would call a beautiful life..

what makes it beautiful... is when things go wrong, climbing that ladder to something beautiful.. and then i fall down and hurt myself ..when i get sad, or angry, or annoyed, when i cry, when i stand up.. when my tears dry up, when sadness turns to pure happiness, when anger changes to love, when i forgive, when i let go, when i accept, and the sun comes up... that's beautiful to me.

dance this life. dance with me.

Monday, April 11, 2005

nasi lemak and grilled lamb chops

when u put together a plate of sweet smelling coconut fragrance rice topped with delicious spicy sambal sotong or kerang or udang or whichever that u fancy, a fried egg with a creamy yellow center together with some cucumbers, fried anchovies and peanuts... yumm yumm... next to a plate of perfectly grilled lamb chops and mash potatoes and buttered boiled veggies... ohh my.. the head the mind the soul the heart... not forgetting the growling stomache which constantly craves for all types of food... i just go crazy..

abs diet, low carb diet, protein diet, atkins, fatkins, whatever u call it.. i swear by none. but! the need for me to have a lean stomache and great abs, one that's nice for me to look at, that pairs up nicely with a low cut pants, or a teeny weeny pink bikini.. sigh.. i try..

however, there's just no way i'm gonna trade my super-duper-eat-what-i-want diet. what do i do? so i go to the gym. in which i solemnly made a promise to religiously exercise, lift those weights, work those abs. and so i did for 3 weeks.. then work came along, then fun, then more food ahh yess no time lahhhh.. soo busssyyyy!!.. yes.. blame in on everything else but myself :) well all is not loss, i may still not have those great abs.. but.. i dont get tired as much as i used to.. i can now bend and flex, the body's got a bit more strength these days..

pretty clear that the intention was more to i-really-dont-care-for-my-great-abs after all. and so i will continue this battle. with no strategic solutions. i perhaps will not win. i perhaps do not want to win. until i deal with my intentions.. que sera sera, what will be will be.

nasi lemak and grilled lamb chops. i'll have both please. thank you